Let Me be Me

The thought in my head: Can I be me..?? 

My life is a swirling bathtub drain full of “stuff” I’m dealing with. I can’t wait for it to disappear so I can be truly free of these overwhelming issues. I’m so b* tired!!

paralisi-nel-sonnoEmotionally tired, physically tired and brain tired.

The things I want to do and do for the Glory of Jesus are drowned out by the things I must do because of current circumstances. Essentially it means that the things that drain me are things I can’t choose not to do, while the things that brings life and energy back to me, are things I have no energy for.

Makes sense?… Well…

What I want to do is to write my book and paint my pictures, open up a webshop and sell affordable original art. That’s me… if I could be allowed to just be me. But just browsing through platforms offering a web-shop makes my head spin… and the good ones costs money. Would people really buy enough of my art to just cover the cost of keeping the website..?

But I can’t concentrate too much on this because I have to juggle finishing the homeschooling year (trust me; It’s horrid to have to motivate a teen when you can’t even motivate yourself!), getting right with the Japanese tax laws (yeah, I missed something there… prayers appreciated!), another psychological test for my child and possible change of medication (would be welcomed if it worked out!) and of course – money issues! My computer is crawling and could use a… well, a new one… As we say in Denmark: Argh!

When I’m done dealing with the day… I’m done and have no more energy (or time) for painting, let alone writing. Both these things needs attention. The kind that consists of cutting out a few hours or more. Making art takes time.

Wearing hats at home gives me a headache. I’m the mom, teacher, housewife, maid, cook… oh yeah, I’m a wife too… which is something I think I forget most days. Poor husband of mine.

The past 2 weeks I have slept about 5 hours pr. night. I’m literally tired. I’m emotionally burdened. I give it over to Jesus, but take it back when I look at my child struggling to the point of my heart breaking and my eyes turns into waterfalls. The money issues I mentioned before? The mental health system in Japan is a huge money pit!

I can’t afford a therapist, though I likely need one. So you good and kind people in the blogosphere are my therapists… Thanks for reading about the thought in my head.

Maybe I’m just being selfish. But how I wish I could be just Me.

love-yourself

Analog Woman in a Digital World

Amish-lifeA part of me is envious of the Amish way of life… No electronics to distract from the work they do alone or together. Well, I’m not Amish so can’t really say what that life would be like, but essentially, wouldn’t it be nice with a more simple lifestyle?

– She said… and kept typing on her electronic device… –

A simple lifestyle where the focus would always be on doing the good and right thing. Such as cooking the healthy fresh foods. Reading an old dusty book. Make a phonecall to a friend for a chat. Cleaning a room a day or something like that. Never shopping for unnecessary things – ahem! Play fun and educational games with the kids. Making the simple things a priority.

Instead it seems that life has to be busy, electronic and even complicated to be “good” – or fashionable. It’s a digital world. header
I rely on electronics for various things and while that’s not a bad thing, communication is often limited to text messages… so I don’t need to call and disturb anyone. The more busy I feel, the more popular I feel – or skilled, or professional or whatnot and I haven’t found a better tool to help me feel busy than the world renowned electronic device (regardless of name)!

We just “look better” sitting in Starbucks with a kindle rather than an old dusty book. Kindle Voyage 2014 woman at coffee bar

I’m “analog”. Or old-fashioned if you wish. I’m the one carrying the old dusty book to Starbucks (if there were any around my area). That’s honestly the only thing that hasn’t snuck it’s head into my life yet: The Kindle!
As for the rest… I too often skip the healthy cooking, I prefer texts and I do facebook in a limited way (e.g. I post, but rarely read the newsfeed – my life gets too depressing if I do that). I stay busy! I wish I was busy doing all the good things I want to put focus on. Instead I find myself busy being on my electronic devices that steals my time.

But I did invite all the electronics in!
I’m writing a blog for crying out loud. If I didn’t like electronics and the online world, I shouldn’t be doing a blog, let alone two! Duh!

I also use both Netflix and Spotify… and some days a lot and obviously all the vast amounts of helpful apps!

no-kindle

Essentially, what I want to do isn’t what I do. But what I do, isn’t what I would like to do.
And yet, it is. I watch Netflix because I like it. I listen to music on Spotify because I enjoy it. I post stuff to facebook because I enjoy seeing reactions from friends and family. I email and text because it’s convenient.

So forget the Kindle!
That’s where I draw the line… ?!

Christmas Joy Break

I can’t say that I have given this much thought – and maybe I’ll sorely regret it… But I think I want to take a short break from my blog.
I know – that does NOT sound like me…
But as I’m sitting here writing this I’m feeling such peace and joyful calm.

home-pencil

The last 2 blog posts named “Love Stuck” are actually depicting true events. Names have been changed “to protect the innocent” – ha ha… and I truly can’t wait to see what the Lord really does have on His heart for “Joy” and I. If anything at all…
But the posts sparked my imagination and I’m thinking that I’d like to give it a go.
It, being actually write the novel.
I have no idea if I can master doing it, but I’d like to try.

Prayers, hints, advice and good ideas are all very welcomed.

And… I’ll probably stay updated on the blog so I won’t be completely vanished, just perhaps “out of order” for a bit.

Thank you for loving me.