The Summing Source of All Fears


The words poured out of me; “I’m afraid, I have fear, it’s out of my control…” as I tried my best to explain to a friend how I truly felt inside. Out of the blue and without notice, my friend bowed her head and said a short prayer, commanding the Spirit of Fear to leave me immediately under the authority of Jesus Christ.
I didn’t expect that.
Shortly after I left her home I quietly mumbled “Lord, I sure hope that worked”, while staying focused on the next task ahead.

My daughter and I were catching a plane to Sydney a few days later. I don’t like flying… okay, I hate flying. It scares me and no amount of “safest way to travel” is gonna make me like it, so that’s that! Travels make me worry about a variety of things from food to flying and I triple check all paperwork etc. But I love encountering different cultures and countries.

While packing a suitcase, I froze as I suddenly realized that something was “wrong”;
I wasn’t afraid!
I sat down and looked around me, going “eh… this is weird! Weirdly weird… it’s great, but oh so strange”. It took a while before the 10 yen coin sank in and I realized what had happened; Fear, that nasty source of evil with his claws buried deep in my shoulders, had literally left.
I was breathing in wonder and – honestly, totally stunned amazement.

The Spirit of Fear is real (as the Bible says) and its THE source and sum of ALL fears. 
Once freed, I had discernment as if a misty-like veil was lifted.
The spirit of fear distorted everything and through that, had gained control. And I didn’t even know it… How could I not know it?
Hold on to your reins because this might shake your doctrine: As far back as I can remember, quite literally, fear has been a companion of mine. As a child I was always afraid of something. As a young adult I lived it out by “facing fears” and battling the consequences.
I honestly thought it was normal to feel and live with fear as I hadn’t known any different. 
But it’s not supposed to be normal!!

We had a wonderful trip in Australia and my girl and I had several fights, which was where I discovered I have a new discernment and perspective of her mental health – but more on that issue in a future post.


I l-o-v-e my Jesus!! The Bible says that we become a new creation when we get saved. My heart was sealed with His spirit, that’s for sure… but somehow Fear was still a companion of mine. He just wrapped himself in light instead. I have no intentions of discussing doctrine here. I’m stating a fact that has become clear to me, now that Fear is no longer surrounding the truth in a misty veil.

I don’t write down my prayers, rather my prayer journal is an opposite one; I write down the words Jesus speaks to me when we have coffee together in the morning. On August 5th I felt and saw Him, instead of hearing Him; “I sat above the clouds and Jesus kissed my forehead holding my head between His hands. He said “you have My strength in your bones”.”
I can feel in my bones that Jesus is in me and my self-confidence is actual confidence and no longer an outwardly pretend one… Just how cool is that!?!

This post is to testify to anyone out there living with fear:
It is not supposed to be like that.


One of those days

Lord, please just hold me while I cry.

I have to be strong and I can’t show my tears.

I have to get on and must hide the fears.

Please just hang on to me while I cry. On the inside.

Lord, I trust you.


Photo taken from song on youtube “Hold me while I cry” by Karen Peck and New River. I have no copyright.


Swept off my feet

If I told you the past week had been a ride beyond description it would be just about accurate. The week began with the hospital starting to talk about sending my dad home. Since I’m here and in his house and since the hospice would prioritize people who are cared for at home it sounded like a great idea.

My concerns were many: Could my dad’s home care helpers handle his pains? They come sudden and strong and frequently. Could my daughter handle his groans of pain? Could I? What would it take for me to care for him at home?… As the week progressed and we reached Thursday, the nurse came and sat down asking what kind of helping equipment was present at home etc. I expressed my concerns and very calmly the nurse told me it wasn’t my concern, but the responsibility of the home care team. Well… if you are the person handling daily things in the home, then “not your concern” rings pretty hollow!

I prayed. I asked my prayer warriors around the world to pray. I cried and begged God to do something, to help me through this, give me strength, patience, endurance, peace of heart…
Well, the Lord did more than that! In a Blast from the Heavens I was swept off my feet: I walked into the palliative care unit room where my dad has resided the past month and found him on the phone –  and a nurse who informed that he had been offered a place in the hospice from this Monday! Praise Him!!…

What is impossible with man, is possible with God!
This is beyond a shadow of doubt the work of the Lord and His answer to prayers. So Amazing that I’m still rather shocked and pretty choked up about it.
The Joy is Amazing. Though it’s a sad time in life and it won’t get easy, He is surely here!


The day I adopted my doctor

I’m so happy, so thrilled, so amazed – I think I have been exalted!

Yesterday morning the Lord took me to one special Bible verse where Paul writes to the church in Corinth calling the believers there “sons”. Because, he writes, he brought the good news to them he became their father (role model if you will), not leaving out that we only have one Father. I have never before stopped and wondered about that, for everyone I know refers to the body of Christ as one family, brothers and sisters in Christ. But Paul calls them “sons”.
As their father Paul teaches and corrects and loves his sons in Corinth, I’m sure the believers there loved Paul back with an amazing and grateful love.

1 Corinthians 4:15
For even if you have ten thousand guardians in your Christian life, you have only one father. For in your life in union with Christ Jesus I have become your father by bringing the Good News to you.

The Lord brought a father-figure and a sister into my life to draw me closer to Him. The father figure is my doctor (still is – even though we now live quite far from each other) and we still have almost daily contact. There is not one person I admire and possibly adore more than this godly man who loved and prayed me all the way to Jesus – and then loved, taught, corrected and prayed me beyond. Not because I was or am sick as pr. see, but he loves.

So with this verse in mind I asked my doctor if I could adopt him as father.
He said yes – and I’m dancing a happy dance.
I’m pretty sure it won’t change much between us. After all, age wise he could actually be my dad and we already have a wonderful friendship and fellowship and I trust him more than anyone else.
I’m grateful and happy because I know my own dad is suffering and I will loose him within too long, but the Lord once again has provided for me and He did so long before I even knew I would need it.

The Lord may take away, but He provides always what is needed.
In Jesus