Cut the Pain

I’m seeing things I don’t want to see and hearing things I don’t want to hear.
I’m living a life, I do not want. I’m in a war zone!
Lord, we get what we need and not always what we want.
But I don’t think I ever needed this!

cuttingMy daughter is only 10 and has a depression caused by severe anxiety. It has been going on for years and she has been on medication for about 10 months now. Only… Recently… Things took a turn I didn’t expect: Cutting.

Cutting is also known as self-harm, using a nice word – or self-mutilation, using a hard-core word. It’s a tangible pain that for a moment replaces an intangible and possibly unidentified pain of the heart and mind.

Istrongmomt’s gruesome for a mom to watch and not having many or any means of help. But the tough part of it is actually, that I must be “non-sensitive” to it. Meaning, if I can’t take it – handle it, my child will loose the only safe place she feels she has.
Lord, I really don’t think I ever needed this. 
All I can do is love her through it and patch up the cuts and sore places on her skin and pray, pray, pray… please Lord, no more!

My heart breaks in pieces all the time…
This is my life and I have to accept it, even if I don’t want to.
If I do not accept her condition, I can’t recognize the issues and ultimately help her.
Lord, I need You to help her.

During the years while battling this anxiety that paved the way to depression and now cutting too, I have stayed strong the best I could, but I’m done. I look in the mirror and I see a tired woman. Not one who is thriving in life, but one who is surviving.
Lord, I don’t want to just survive – I want to thrive!depressedmom

I visited a counselor the other day. I did it for myself… and after a test it was revealed that I can be placed in the box of “2-points from severe depression”. Until next meeting, I need to make an effort to do something daily for myself. Something that is good for me.
Lord, I need this.

But Lord, I want to have FUN with You.
To live, love, laugh, do and BE with You.
I know I prayed to be a woman of faith once… but Lord, this road is harder than rocks and my mustard seed inside is melting in the furnace. And it hurts, Lord. It hurts!


Lord, I really need to have some fun with You.

I really need You, now.

warfare

Advertisements

Leave me in the mess – please!

Because only in the mess, will I be able to truly see the Lord’s hand at work.

Actually, please don’t leave me in the mess, because it’s the last place I want to be in!

maxresdefault.jpg

I don’t know about you, but I often find myself in circumstances and messes where this dilemma exists.
I love seeing how God works in my life. I really really really love it.
At the same time, I thoroughly dislike being in those situations.

Then, of course, an average person, preacher, pastor, sermon etc proclaims that if I didn’t sin, I wouldn’t be stuck in bad situations. While this may be true… I’m pretty sure Jesus found Himself in a few “bad situations” during His 3 years of ministry and He for sure did not sin!
devil-cartoon-008.jpg

So… May I just conclude, that even if I were entirely sinless (yeah, that’s not gonna happen!), the devil would just come at me with all the more force and all the more temptations and all the more… catch my drift? And eventually he would either win over my poor selfish soul or kill me in the process, so to speak. Either would work for him because seriously; the devil would truly slay your newborn baby if he could! The guy has no clue how to spell “mercy”, let alone show it.

Sure… God always provides a way out: Yes indeed the Lord does!tumblr_static_tumblr_static_8l0munbqf6skwc0gsck400s8w_640.gif

But that will inevitably mean you have to get stuck in messes sometimes…!?! So while we do have the power to not sin, we will. The way out of it goes along “the narrow road”, but there are some HUGE gates along that narrow road!
Just saying…

 

So please don’t leave me in the mess… LORD!
Because only in the darkness can we all truly see the light. Amen.

God owns the tide!

“I’ll stare down the waves – ’cause You own the tide!”articles-42.jpg

That’s a line from a worship song from Hillsong young & free called “when the fight calls”. During the past few weeks, that song has lingered in my heart and helped my mind submit to the Lord’s will.

The feeling of being overwhelmed seems to be an ongoing theme among most of my friends; Some have serious circumstances to deal with, making the feeling far stronger than overwhelmed and for some it turns into fear.

overwhelmed.jpgAlong with my own set of challenges I have the privilege of walking alongside a few friends – some sick, some with a spouse in hospital, one is waiting for heart surgery and fearing for her 4 little kids, some struggle with being gossiped about, others with relationship trouble. I feel helpless as I listen to their words and read their mails.
Despite their continued decision to trust the Lord and seeing all the positive they can… feeling overwhelmed in the moment can grow into fear of the unknown future.

We must fight it.

Romans 5:3-4 (NLT) 
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.
 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

poster-celebrate-life-no-matter.jpgNo matter my sufferings, it always end in hope.
I can rejoice in the suffering… okay, not so much!…

– But looking at the suffering now, I can “stare down the waves” because Jesus “owns the tide”. God is still in control. Though we may have to fight being overwhelmed, we can keep our minds fixed on the Lord. He has the last word.

When the fight calls – Hillsong Young & Free

 
As for me and my circumstances, then my husband’s work place, job and time frame remains unknown. It’s stressful because we know something will happen and the last thing he wants is a desk job. I have been cleared of colon cancer, but there are no explanations for the stomach pains apart from stress… But we are considering an MRI or CT scan if for no other reason, then just to make sure.

6101bf6d0ea6ea409e1b6aab67996f34.jpgMy daughter is now on her new school schedule with half day of classroom school and private tutoring/teaching for afternoon classes. She loves it! A huge ordeal pulled together by God’s hand working through obedient people! – And it’s not merely the academics, it’s also socially and developmentally perfect for her. I’m stunned really. Speechless. In complete awe!

May the Lord be Praised always and forever

Lovely Blog Award

one-lovely-blog-award-badge1.jpgI was nominated for this award by In the Desert with Jesus written by Joel who is simply one amazing guy! If you have read his blog you already know that though… 😉
I both proudly and humbly accept this award. Sounds confusing? I’m just very proud that Joel thinks my blog is worthy of an award and at the same time, I’m humbled that the Lord pointed to my blog through Joel…

I’m supposed to display the rules of this award, so here goes:

————————————————————————-
Thank the lovely person who nominated your blog and follow them. YES FOLLOW me… actually even better: Follow Jesus!

Display the award logo and add this set of rules to your post so that your nominees will know what to do (sounds sensible, right?)

Nominate 15 other lovely blogs listing them in your post and notifying them via a link in one of their blog posts (or as I chose – link to their blog while listing them).

List 7 interesting facts about yourself to the post (not really sure what would count as “interesting” but I’ll give it a go)

————————————————————————–

Okay… There are so many blogs out there and I read here and there and am “wow’ed” by the writing skills of all these great bloggers, so choosing just 15 is like picking out my favorite ice cream at cold stone creamery… almost impossible, but here goes:

These are my nominees:

Pastor Jim Bell’s jottings – Pastor Jim recently passed away and will be accepting the award while resting in the arms of Jesus. But I choose to nominate the blog anyway, because Jim had a lot to say about a lot of things and his blog lives on even though Jim isn’t with us anymore.

The lamb’s servant Sue lives in Jordan and her blog is like a journey into the ancient Hebrew scriptures. She captured my heart long ago… I hope she might capture yours too.

Julian for Jesus Julian stole my heart – in a sense – when he wrote a post for my sideblog “Song of Virginity”. His blog is just simply awesome and it’s ALL about Jesus!

Run the race Heather is an amazing writer who really gets the point across. Pay her a visit!

P356 – faith and life in action This is simply a lovely blog!

ThoughtCascade blog Simply unavoidable!

Rina Rose You just can’t help falling in love with this girl!

Jeffrey H King Explore the world of faith… go get it!

Cross of Christ From Tanzania… it simply doesn’t get more authentic than this!

Learning to be full of Grace and Truth A true and honest follower of our Lord Jesus.

Minus the cynic This is one of the bloggers I really want to invite over to Song of Virginity for a guest post… oops, guess the “secret” is out…

The Progressive Christian blog Sharp and opinionated with that lovely touch of good sensible Christian faith and respectful words – stay tuned and you’ll stay sharp too 😉

Eddaz Really – Never a dull moment here!

Francis and Anna Quite possibly the cutest couple ever!

————————————————————————-
7 Interesting facts about me:

I love blogging because it’s my opportunity to share the love I own from Jesus. He’s mine and I’m His and nothing will ever change that.

Those incredibly popular “adult coloring books” which are supposedly therapeutic and relaxing? They drive me nuts!! I tossed them… they stress me out.

Stress has been a part of my life since childhood, though I only began realizing that a few years back. The struggles with mental health has been a constant companion and at times I take a serious dive bordering depression. But my help comes from the Lord and though the evil one in this world can hold me down, I know he can’t keep me there when I cry out to Jesus. Albeit, it can take a while for me to find my voice inside.

I used to be a DJ – a disc-jockey on the local radio station – back in the days when vinyl and record players were in existence. Today they might be known as “antiques”… It was a hilariously fun time of my life and though it’s all in the past (including the vinyl!), I still have a huge love for music and dance.

I’m a painter. I never took a painting class or art class apart from my elementary school years. I paint for His glory alone and I love to paint symbols of God’s love for His people. I’m currently working on a big “sofa piece” which has taken me 2 years – give or take – so far, but is finally coming together.

I’m definitely an entrepreneur. I’m good at starting things up and getting them going… My side blog Song of Virginity is a good example of that. I share my past experiences which surely aren’t always pretty and I’m always on the lookout for those willing to share about the subject of virginity, sex and life as a single Christian, in the hope of reaching the younger generations. And that was how I met Joel who wrote this incredible post The pursuit on Song of Virginity!

de699bb7c71821400dad451ca49ad012.jpgGrowing up my family always went to the north for vacation times. So even though I live in Japan, my heart holds the mountains of Norway, the forests of Sweden and the fields of Denmark very very dear. I miss the climate immensely, especially during the Japanese hot summer and humid fall seasons. However, we have IKEA over here and that takes most of the sting out ;-)… and of course Yokohama harbor area is my go-to place when I get homesick. It’s not too different from Copenhagen harbor.

 

 

A voice silenced — Pastor Jim Bell’s Jottings

My friend and fellow blogger – Pastor Jim Bell – has gone home to be with Jesus. My heart is aching though I know he is in the best place any of us can be in. Still… I will miss him.

I wish to write that my heart goes out to his family… but I’m not sure I can express adequately how my heart is grieving. Pastor Jim was my friend and fellow blogger and cheerleader. My strength during hard times and the kind voice that kept me going.

This good and faithful servant is home now. One day I will have the privilege of meeting him in person, in heaven, sharing our wonderful Jesus!

He is resting in peace.

Please go to his blog (see below) and find inspiration and love and at times a push… His voice will live on through his blog.

Yesterday, my father James H. Bell passed from this world into the loving arms of Christ at 8:24 a.m. He was 80. His passing was peaceful, at home, and with his loving wife Kay, his daughter Lisa and myself at his side. About six months ago, he made a courageous choice to take control of […]

via A voice silenced, but it will live on here…. — Pastor Jim Bell’s Jottings

New post|”What if..”

It takes more than physical attraction to make a marriage work! 37667cb6b315bab9b446074a85d7c9a2
– Maybe if we had been on the same page and both known Jesus 
– Had we taken time out to actually talk & support each other 
– Maybe, if there had been more between us than our naked skin

What if…

Jump over to Song of Virginity and read the new post “What if…

 

Defining Moment

When Julian asked me to write a guest post for his blog, I felt honored. He is an awesome blogger… but I  couldn’t imagine what subject to write on and when I asked him, he said: A defining moment. It took me very little time to decide which defining moment;

The moment when the Lord wrote His name on my heart, 1 1/2 year after I became a believer…

Jump on over to Julian’s blog and have a read: Defining Moment

And if you like his blog, you should definitely check out his guest post on my side-blog “Song of Virginity”: Real Men

Thanks

Healing_Heart_Jesus

The hidden part of grief

Okay, maybe it’s not so much hidden as it’s me just now realizing it… 

Sometimes a year seems like a very long time. Sometimes it just flies by. The past year has done both.
When I think of my daughter’s anxiety, depression, psychiatrist, psychologist, counseling, medication, fears and experiences, the year has passed by like a snail on the German autobahn!

But when I think of my dad and last summers long hard walk from hospital to hospice, watching him in agonizing pain despite extremely high dosages of morphine, to the phone call the morning of august 16th that it was over, to the funeral and the immediate grief that takes a hold of the heart when loosing a loved one – this past year has flown by faster than a Star Trek warp drive!

image1.jpg

It feels like it was just the other day that my brother and I went with the pine tree coffin, because dad loved nature so much and I simply couldn’t imagine him in the usual white one. We selected a natural stone and picked the duck, the fish and the stag for decorations on the stone for his burial site.IMG_3201.jpg

 

The grief has come in tidal waves. Some weeks were a lot harder than others. But after a year; grief is still here. I don’t believe we ever get over the loss of a loved on. But in time we learn to live with them being gone. I’m still learning. Every day it gets a teeny tiny bit easier.

There are different kinds of grief. We grieve when losing a loved one, but we also grieve when we learn that our child has anxieties/depression or some other debilitating issue.

That is a devastating grief too and anyone who has lived it, will know it.child-sad.png

I have help from above because I know Jesus is with me. But being a believer does not by any means except anyone from experiencing pain, sorrow, grief and sadness. Jesus experienced all of that too, so that we could have a high priest who understands our weaknesses.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (NLT)
So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Grief isn’t an illness. It’s a condition of the heart in which weakness is present for the time it takes to process the grief. 

A weakness I can’t handle without the Lord’s help and here’s why: This past year has taught me that grief leaves me vulnerable to temptations, fear, anger, irritability, indulging etc. In other words; It leaves me weak. In the natural process of grieving, I actually sin or do/feel things that can lead to sin.

No’b, I’m not proud of it… But I now understand that Jesus indeed knows every one of my weaknesses. So I can come boldly before His throne and find Grace to help me when I need it the most and that is the light in the middle of dark grief.

d183443d971e8caa8d04a20e55c54d5d.jpg