Let Me be Me

The thought in my head: Can I be me..?? 

My life is a swirling bathtub drain full of “stuff” I’m dealing with. I can’t wait for it to disappear so I can be truly free of these overwhelming issues. I’m so b* tired!!

paralisi-nel-sonnoEmotionally tired, physically tired and brain tired.

The things I want to do and do for the Glory of Jesus are drowned out by the things I must do because of current circumstances. Essentially it means that the things that drain me are things I can’t choose not to do, while the things that brings life and energy back to me, are things I have no energy for.

Makes sense?… Well…

What I want to do is to write my book and paint my pictures, open up a webshop and sell affordable original art. That’s me… if I could be allowed to just be me. But just browsing through platforms offering a web-shop makes my head spin… and the good ones costs money. Would people really buy enough of my art to just cover the cost of keeping the website..?

But I can’t concentrate too much on this because I have to juggle finishing the homeschooling year (trust me; It’s horrid to have to motivate a teen when you can’t even motivate yourself!), getting right with the Japanese tax laws (yeah, I missed something there… prayers appreciated!), another psychological test for my child and possible change of medication (would be welcomed if it worked out!) and of course – money issues! My computer is crawling and could use a… well, a new one… As we say in Denmark: Argh!

When I’m done dealing with the day… I’m done and have no more energy (or time) for painting, let alone writing. Both these things needs attention. The kind that consists of cutting out a few hours or more. Making art takes time.

Wearing hats at home gives me a headache. I’m the mom, teacher, housewife, maid, cook… oh yeah, I’m a wife too… which is something I think I forget most days. Poor husband of mine.

The past 2 weeks I have slept about 5 hours pr. night. I’m literally tired. I’m emotionally burdened. I give it over to Jesus, but take it back when I look at my child struggling to the point of my heart breaking and my eyes turns into waterfalls. The money issues I mentioned before? The mental health system in Japan is a huge money pit!

I can’t afford a therapist, though I likely need one. So you good and kind people in the blogosphere are my therapists… Thanks for reading about the thought in my head.

Maybe I’m just being selfish. But how I wish I could be just Me.

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Analog Woman in a Digital World

Amish-lifeA part of me is envious of the Amish way of life… No electronics to distract from the work they do alone or together. Well, I’m not Amish so can’t really say what that life would be like, but essentially, wouldn’t it be nice with a more simple lifestyle?

– She said… and kept typing on her electronic device… –

A simple lifestyle where the focus would always be on doing the good and right thing. Such as cooking the healthy fresh foods. Reading an old dusty book. Make a phonecall to a friend for a chat. Cleaning a room a day or something like that. Never shopping for unnecessary things – ahem! Play fun and educational games with the kids. Making the simple things a priority.

Instead it seems that life has to be busy, electronic and even complicated to be “good” – or fashionable. It’s a digital world. header
I rely on electronics for various things and while that’s not a bad thing, communication is often limited to text messages… so I don’t need to call and disturb anyone. The more busy I feel, the more popular I feel – or skilled, or professional or whatnot and I haven’t found a better tool to help me feel busy than the world renowned electronic device (regardless of name)!

We just “look better” sitting in Starbucks with a kindle rather than an old dusty book. Kindle Voyage 2014 woman at coffee bar

I’m “analog”. Or old-fashioned if you wish. I’m the one carrying the old dusty book to Starbucks (if there were any around my area). That’s honestly the only thing that hasn’t snuck it’s head into my life yet: The Kindle!
As for the rest… I too often skip the healthy cooking, I prefer texts and I do facebook in a limited way (e.g. I post, but rarely read the newsfeed – my life gets too depressing if I do that). I stay busy! I wish I was busy doing all the good things I want to put focus on. Instead I find myself busy being on my electronic devices that steals my time.

But I did invite all the electronics in!
I’m writing a blog for crying out loud. If I didn’t like electronics and the online world, I shouldn’t be doing a blog, let alone two! Duh!

I also use both Netflix and Spotify… and some days a lot and obviously all the vast amounts of helpful apps!

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Essentially, what I want to do isn’t what I do. But what I do, isn’t what I would like to do.
And yet, it is. I watch Netflix because I like it. I listen to music on Spotify because I enjoy it. I post stuff to facebook because I enjoy seeing reactions from friends and family. I email and text because it’s convenient.

So forget the Kindle!
That’s where I draw the line… ?!

Christmas Joy Break

I can’t say that I have given this much thought – and maybe I’ll sorely regret it… But I think I want to take a short break from my blog.
I know – that does NOT sound like me…
But as I’m sitting here writing this I’m feeling such peace and joyful calm.

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The last 2 blog posts named “Love Stuck” are actually depicting true events. Names have been changed “to protect the innocent” – ha ha… and I truly can’t wait to see what the Lord really does have on His heart for “Joy” and I. If anything at all…
But the posts sparked my imagination and I’m thinking that I’d like to give it a go.
It, being actually write the novel.
I have no idea if I can master doing it, but I’d like to try.

Prayers, hints, advice and good ideas are all very welcomed.

And… I’ll probably stay updated on the blog so I won’t be completely vanished, just perhaps “out of order” for a bit.

Thank you for loving me.

Love Stuck #2

This is part 2 of “Love Stuck” – a novel-like writing so, please make sure you have read part 1.

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bigstock-Sun-Through-the-Blinds-75865586The morning after, Liz woke up and gazed at the white shining light streaming through the windows and blinds. It was another cold day outside, but the winter light was unmistakably the purest and clearest of all the seasons. She loved the colors of her bedroom. The rented apartment came with cream colored walls and a build in closet. The room was small but big enough for a double bed, bedside tables and a dresser. After all, what else would be needed in a bedroom. She had gone to great length to make the bedroom feel peaceful and relaxing, so she had purposely picked bedspread, cushions and wall art in dusty and pale colors of lavender and green.

After yesterday’s non-coincidental chat with Joy and her evening in tears, she needed God’s love to shine. As she was taking in the beauty of the light, she remembered the verse in the Bible that said “joy will come in the morning”. She found herself looking for a rainbow there, in the light, in her bedroom. Just like the Lord had made His promise solid of not flooding the earth again by giving His people the rainbow, so Liz was longing for a promise from the Lord. Liz shook her head when realizing how ridiculous it was to be looking for a rainbow in her bedroom.

d48fd6a46a4ffaf4e76eda061aba2464--knitted-slippers-natShe got out of bed and went straight for the heaters in the living room and turned them on to warm up the apartment. The floors were strikingly cold and she tiptoed in her slippers and pajama into the kitchen. She kept telling herself that the next place she would live would have heated floors! The house was quiet. Her husband was away on a longer business trip. He would often be gone for months. Travels and production trials at foreign factories was a part of his job description. Her daughter was still sleeping. She was reaching her teenage years and with that, her body just needed more sleep. It was great for Liz because it gave her silent mornings, which was something she vividly cherished.

In the kitchen, which was old but functional, she put on the kettle and watched the steam as the water came to a boil. She reached for her tea mug. A handmade ceramic mug she had bought on a market on a holiday. It was a beautiful grey and dark periwinkle blue mug with a tree on each sides of the handle. Like the tree of life from the garden of Eden. The sweet aroma of her morning tea, a mild blend of Earl Grey, filled her mind with smiles. She snuggled up in her rococo chair by the window with a blanket and her tea in hand. She enjoyed the silence and the little green birds outside the window dancing on the tree branches. A beautiful morning and the room was beginning to warm up.

As she sat there in the silence of the morning, she found her thoughts swiftly circling back to Joy. Only the Lord knew the answer to the puzzling questions that her mouth whispered to Him. Talking to Jesus was much more simple than talking to anyone else. She was always understood! Tears filled her eyes as she listened for His answers, but this morning no answers came. She got up and went to get her Bible, opened at a random page while her heart was pleading for something to hang on to. The Lord surely would relieve her of this hurt inside, from a love desperate to get out, but had to be under wraps.

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She was jump reading. First how Zechariah doubted the angel when told he would become a father and then how Mary believed, though couldn’t understand how, when told she were to be the mother of the Son of God. Both had to be patient, both had to trust God with their lives. Liz had to do the same. Be patient and trust God. There was a reason for this love she felt for Joy. One day she would learn why.

She wiped the tears when she heard her daughter was up and with a sigh of relief she whispered, that it was time to begin the day.

Love Stuck

This is my first attempt of a “novel-like” blog post, so be gentle…

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Beautiful-Winter-Day-HD-wallpaperOn that beautiful winters day, a crisp air and a mild wind filled her lungs and enveloped her face. The blue sky was clear as the sun sent its beams straight down to earth. It was cold and she was all muffled up, wearing her brown winter jacket with her Scottish woolen shawl wrapped around her shoulders and neck and her long winter moccasin boots, which she bought when she visited Canada some years back. She was out on her Christmas round, delivering little pieces of joy to friends. A card in a mailbox here, a small bag of goodies there and she was now on her way to the last stop of the round; The Community Center. She had two bags left and two beloved people to see. She looked forward to seeing their contagious smiles. As she entered the center and walked toward the office of her 2 friends, she saw the one person whom the Lord had given her a particular strong love for.

Her name was Joy and they were of somewhat same age. A strong and almost majestic looking woman with a sweet tender smile and warm eyes. Everything about her showed authoritative compassion, not that she could actually explain what that meant. In the same way that she couldn’t explain why she had such a love for this woman. It wasn’t a romantic kind of love. It wasn’t a friendly buddy kind of love or even a bond like the love between family members. It did not feel like a love one would normally feel towards any friend. This was an entirely different kind of love which she had no doubt was from the Lord. But why? She did not understand why she had such a love for Joy or what to do with it. Joy didn’t seem like a person in need. Be it in need of a friend or some sort of support. Not at all. All she knew was that from the first time they met, she had loved her with a special kind of love. One she couldn’t easily show as Joy had never given her any incentive or even remotely hinted at a possible friendship. She wasn’t even able to call her a friend, but rather an acquaintance. Still, there was a free flowing love toward Joy and though she sorely wished to unleash it and allow it to pour over Joy, for some reason she always held back.

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As with most of the Christian people she had encountered, Joy too had some sort of invincible wall up. Never a sad look, always a smile. Of course some were genuine and those were easy to spot as she could feel it in her spirit where the Lord presided. Joy’s smile was a genuine one, but she still had a wall. Perhaps one to distinguish friends from Community Center relations. Maybe she was guarding her heart.
She didn’t know, but she knew it was there and it was blocking the way for friendship.

Joy walked in from the park area as their eyes met. She kept eye contact and to her amazement Joy walked towards her, greeted her with a smile and a hug. They chatted a little but unfortunately she had to move on if she were to see her two beloved friends, before they had to run off to meetings. Still, she felt the excitement in her heart that she got those precious minutes with Joy.

On her way back home she was contemplating the meeting with Joy. It was completely coincidental… though obviously it couldn’t be as there are no coincidences when the Lord rules. Thoughts flew through her mind like fireflies. She wanted so badly to show Joy the love, but she didn’t know how to… nor why, as Joy did not look or behave as a person in need. Not at all.

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That night she cried and wrote in her evening diary a letter to the Lord, asking Him to give her Joy as her best friend. She begged the Lord to open Joy’s heart to her and asked Him to initiate something to pave the way. The love was stuck inside her and it hurt… It wanted and needed to come out, but she couldn’t see how.
She was still pleading with Jesus when she laid her head to rest and drifted off to sleep.

A Path Against Demons

ScreenHunter_01-Mar.-05-13.23.gifI don’t like demons. Who could possibly like something so fierce and evil and manipulating as a demon… don’t answer that.

I have my challenges, and if you read my posts here you’ll know I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts, cutting, depression, anxiety, fear and self-confidence issues in my child.
I’m now convinced that with – ALL – the many things happening, demonic activity is here. I already know believers can’t be possessed, but we can certainly be oppressed and where does the battle take place… inside us or outside our bodies or in the heavenly realms. Either way, demons are real and fear is a spirit – the Bible tells us so. The spirit of fear does not come from the Father.

I’m reading a book which is causing me to think about the subject of casting out demons. With the many issues we’re dealing with, it’s not far fetched to think it’s demons causing the whole charade.
But even if I have the authority to command demons to leave me, I’m not the one doing the work; He is! But casting out demons in others… I’m wondering if God wants me to be His instrument for such purpose. 

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We all have time periods of un-repented sin (unless you wish to “throw the first stone”) and demon spirits are sneaky. They’ll attach or enter through a keyhole at any given time…  Suppose my child has demons either in or attached to her, e.g. oppression, not possession, but in this case a fierce and ongoing oppression.
Suppose I’m growing in my awareness of their presence.

Some weeks ago my child asked questions about sexuality. Pretty common I would think albeit, a tad bit young. Same week I get approached in the supermarket by a man with very direct intentions and the following week, my daughter gets an email from a 21 year old guy looking for hot fun on a penpal website, posing as a 17 year old. All in this order and unrelated to each other. Could it possibly be that a demon of sexual sin was attracting these incidents toward us, is it coincidental (not likely!!) or is it just random sinful world stuff…

bb0d1a27ab87777151322eb61e463261.jpgLonging to rid us from this… I began praying for help, which led me to verbally telling the demons to go away in Jesus’ Name. It may be wishful thinking but I did actually feel like things were lighter for a day or so. But we got back in the rut… My kid needs to be built up and grow a strong relationship with the Lord. Otherwise banished demons may simply re-enter or re-attack.

I visited a friend yesterday. He knows my heart and situation. He prayed for me. Long and intense he prayed and asked the Lord to give me authority to cast out demons. He did this without me telling him of my own prayers for the same thing and it’s certainly not the most common thing to pray for!

Only the Lord can cast out demons, but could He intend for me to be His instrument? I’m not confused as much as in a waiting position. Waiting on hearing the Lord and praying for His protection in the meantime.

 

This is me right now. Pondering the Lord of mercy and light and what path lies before me.

A knack for trials

self-pity-darling-1300x866.jpg“I don’t need any trials in my life!”
I screamed from the darkness of the pit called “self-pity”.

Jesus said “In this life, you will have trials”

All the time, Lord??
Really… I just made it through one and now another spear has hit me right in the sore spot. Again!
I seem to have a knack for trials!

Jesus said “Take heart, for I have overcome the world”

I know You did, Lord… but what about me?
I can’t deal with the world much longer.

How come everybody else’s life is so good and perfect? Why am I the only one who is drowning in *rap? huh?

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I have an overwhelming desire to insert the text “Jesus said “because nothing on social media is reflecting real life””… but He never said that.
Wait… breathe… Do I want or do I need trials in my life?
While I certainly don’t want them, perhaps I do need them: For what happens when I’m allowed “time out”… I drift off and fall away from the One Who loves me at all times.

Jesus said “… And I will be with you until the very end of the age”

It doesn’t feel like You are all that close, Lord!… Really, it doesn’t!

Jesus said “I will send you a helper” (John 14:26)

A helper… Your Holy Spirit…  Maybe I’ve been so focused on the little round problem dangling in front of my eyes, instead of the Spirit inside me, that You gave me Lord. Oops…

Jesus said “The Spirit will give me glory, because he will take what I say and tell it to you” (John 16:14)

Yeah… 20150426_182543-1.jpg

Do you have a minute, Lord? Or a 100…?
Because I could really use a cup of coffee!

Swopping knots

20140918-379-girl-in-bed-7.jpgShe was stuck in a situation she couldn’t get out of. Circumstance she was unable to change. People who chose to disrespect her. It was like a mental snake-pit. She felt like running away. From home, from school, from everything. Or even better, just go home to God, so she would never have to enter back into the snake pit…

In the beginning of April, these were my daughters thoughts and feelings. She’s 10. On April 4th I found a note where she wrote, that she just wanted to die… It wasn’t a suicide note; It was suicidal thoughts and an intense cry for help. mental-health-thoughts_wide-a514e5c72a55accd8ef792b779b91316864bb05c-s1000-c85.jpg

Because of suicidal thoughts she couldn’t attend school – which makes sense – so she’s been home with me, doing some of her schoolwork, intense therapy and some TLC.

During these 20+ days, I have seen her stress-levels drop, I have seen cutting decrease, I have experienced her courage as she ventured into a sleepover at a friends house. When she’s in school, the stress is high, the cutting is daily and having a sleepover is simply unrealistic!

It didn’t take long for me to realize that there is only one way of dealing with this: Take her out of school. So I have… she will be homeschooled from 5th grade. As for finishing her 4th grade year at school, it may be a long shot, but the therapist really wants her to glean something positive before she leaves school, so that she may one day be able to return. It makes sense, but seems impossible.

And the Lord ain’t done with me yet… so once again I’m swopping “knot’s”:

I’m facing homeschooling. post-41755-0-90463300-1447240753.png

Though I know it’s the right thing to do and I also have God’s peace with it, I can feel every cell in my body resisting the “teacher” part. If you read my blog more or less regularly, you will know that I’m pretty well aware of my own sets of strengths and weaknesses. I’m an entrepreneur, a facilitator, a leader and organizer. Creative in many ways and a bit of a “funny clown” too. But there’s not a hint of teacher in me. The closest thing I get to that is an interest in psychology… which doesn’t really say much!About-Homeschooling.png

I’m praying for the Lord to “define my role as homeschooling mom”, because I’m… well… ahem… not there. I have this sense that if I begin “teaching” my child, it won’t go well. My role isn’t supposed to be a teacher, but I’ll try to patiently wait on the Lord to bring me the answer. I did say “try”… Lord knows, I’m not the most patient woman!

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Cut the Pain

I’m seeing things I don’t want to see and hearing things I don’t want to hear.
I’m living a life, I do not want. I’m in a war zone!
Lord, we get what we need and not always what we want.
But I don’t think I ever needed this!

cuttingMy daughter is only 10 and has a depression caused by severe anxiety. It has been going on for years and she has been on medication for about 10 months now. Only… Recently… Things took a turn I didn’t expect: Cutting.

Cutting is also known as self-harm, using a nice word – or self-mutilation, using a hard-core word. It’s a tangible pain that for a moment replaces an intangible and possibly unidentified pain of the heart and mind.

Istrongmomt’s gruesome for a mom to watch and not having many or any means of help. But the tough part of it is actually, that I must be “non-sensitive” to it. Meaning, if I can’t take it – handle it, my child will loose the only safe place she feels she has.
Lord, I really don’t think I ever needed this. 
All I can do is love her through it and patch up the cuts and sore places on her skin and pray, pray, pray… please Lord, no more!

My heart breaks in pieces all the time…
This is my life and I have to accept it, even if I don’t want to.
If I do not accept her condition, I can’t recognize the issues and ultimately help her.
Lord, I need You to help her.

During the years while battling this anxiety that paved the way to depression and now cutting too, I have stayed strong the best I could, but I’m done. I look in the mirror and I see a tired woman. Not one who is thriving in life, but one who is surviving.
Lord, I don’t want to just survive – I want to thrive!depressedmom

I visited a counselor the other day. I did it for myself… and after a test it was revealed that I can be placed in the box of “2-points from severe depression”. Until next meeting, I need to make an effort to do something daily for myself. Something that is good for me.
Lord, I need this.

But Lord, I want to have FUN with You.
To live, love, laugh, do and BE with You.
I know I prayed to be a woman of faith once… but Lord, this road is harder than rocks and my mustard seed inside is melting in the furnace. And it hurts, Lord. It hurts!


Lord, I really need to have some fun with You.

I really need You, now.

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