Let Me be Me

The thought in my head: Can I be me..?? 

My life is a swirling bathtub drain full of “stuff” I’m dealing with. I can’t wait for it to disappear so I can be truly free of these overwhelming issues. I’m so b* tired!!

paralisi-nel-sonnoEmotionally tired, physically tired and brain tired.

The things I want to do and do for the Glory of Jesus are drowned out by the things I must do because of current circumstances. Essentially it means that the things that drain me are things I can’t choose not to do, while the things that brings life and energy back to me, are things I have no energy for.

Makes sense?… Well…

What I want to do is to write my book and paint my pictures, open up a webshop and sell affordable original art. That’s me… if I could be allowed to just be me. But just browsing through platforms offering a web-shop makes my head spin… and the good ones costs money. Would people really buy enough of my art to just cover the cost of keeping the website..?

But I can’t concentrate too much on this because I have to juggle finishing the homeschooling year (trust me; It’s horrid to have to motivate a teen when you can’t even motivate yourself!), getting right with the Japanese tax laws (yeah, I missed something there… prayers appreciated!), another psychological test for my child and possible change of medication (would be welcomed if it worked out!) and of course – money issues! My computer is crawling and could use a… well, a new one… As we say in Denmark: Argh!

When I’m done dealing with the day… I’m done and have no more energy (or time) for painting, let alone writing. Both these things needs attention. The kind that consists of cutting out a few hours or more. Making art takes time.

Wearing hats at home gives me a headache. I’m the mom, teacher, housewife, maid, cook… oh yeah, I’m a wife too… which is something I think I forget most days. Poor husband of mine.

The past 2 weeks I have slept about 5 hours pr. night. I’m literally tired. I’m emotionally burdened. I give it over to Jesus, but take it back when I look at my child struggling to the point of my heart breaking and my eyes turns into waterfalls. The money issues I mentioned before? The mental health system in Japan is a huge money pit!

I can’t afford a therapist, though I likely need one. So you good and kind people in the blogosphere are my therapists… Thanks for reading about the thought in my head.

Maybe I’m just being selfish. But how I wish I could be just Me.

love-yourself

Love Stuck #2

This is part 2 of “Love Stuck” – a novel-like writing so, please make sure you have read part 1.

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bigstock-Sun-Through-the-Blinds-75865586The morning after, Liz woke up and gazed at the white shining light streaming through the windows and blinds. It was another cold day outside, but the winter light was unmistakably the purest and clearest of all the seasons. She loved the colors of her bedroom. The rented apartment came with cream colored walls and a build in closet. The room was small but big enough for a double bed, bedside tables and a dresser. After all, what else would be needed in a bedroom. She had gone to great length to make the bedroom feel peaceful and relaxing, so she had purposely picked bedspread, cushions and wall art in dusty and pale colors of lavender and green.

After yesterday’s non-coincidental chat with Joy and her evening in tears, she needed God’s love to shine. As she was taking in the beauty of the light, she remembered the verse in the Bible that said “joy will come in the morning”. She found herself looking for a rainbow there, in the light, in her bedroom. Just like the Lord had made His promise solid of not flooding the earth again by giving His people the rainbow, so Liz was longing for a promise from the Lord. Liz shook her head when realizing how ridiculous it was to be looking for a rainbow in her bedroom.

d48fd6a46a4ffaf4e76eda061aba2464--knitted-slippers-natShe got out of bed and went straight for the heaters in the living room and turned them on to warm up the apartment. The floors were strikingly cold and she tiptoed in her slippers and pajama into the kitchen. She kept telling herself that the next place she would live would have heated floors! The house was quiet. Her husband was away on a longer business trip. He would often be gone for months. Travels and production trials at foreign factories was a part of his job description. Her daughter was still sleeping. She was reaching her teenage years and with that, her body just needed more sleep. It was great for Liz because it gave her silent mornings, which was something she vividly cherished.

In the kitchen, which was old but functional, she put on the kettle and watched the steam as the water came to a boil. She reached for her tea mug. A handmade ceramic mug she had bought on a market on a holiday. It was a beautiful grey and dark periwinkle blue mug with a tree on each sides of the handle. Like the tree of life from the garden of Eden. The sweet aroma of her morning tea, a mild blend of Earl Grey, filled her mind with smiles. She snuggled up in her rococo chair by the window with a blanket and her tea in hand. She enjoyed the silence and the little green birds outside the window dancing on the tree branches. A beautiful morning and the room was beginning to warm up.

As she sat there in the silence of the morning, she found her thoughts swiftly circling back to Joy. Only the Lord knew the answer to the puzzling questions that her mouth whispered to Him. Talking to Jesus was much more simple than talking to anyone else. She was always understood! Tears filled her eyes as she listened for His answers, but this morning no answers came. She got up and went to get her Bible, opened at a random page while her heart was pleading for something to hang on to. The Lord surely would relieve her of this hurt inside, from a love desperate to get out, but had to be under wraps.

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She was jump reading. First how Zechariah doubted the angel when told he would become a father and then how Mary believed, though couldn’t understand how, when told she were to be the mother of the Son of God. Both had to be patient, both had to trust God with their lives. Liz had to do the same. Be patient and trust God. There was a reason for this love she felt for Joy. One day she would learn why.

She wiped the tears when she heard her daughter was up and with a sigh of relief she whispered, that it was time to begin the day.

Love Stuck

This is my first attempt of a “novel-like” blog post, so be gentle…

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Beautiful-Winter-Day-HD-wallpaperOn that beautiful winters day, a crisp air and a mild wind filled her lungs and enveloped her face. The blue sky was clear as the sun sent its beams straight down to earth. It was cold and she was all muffled up, wearing her brown winter jacket with her Scottish woolen shawl wrapped around her shoulders and neck and her long winter moccasin boots, which she bought when she visited Canada some years back. She was out on her Christmas round, delivering little pieces of joy to friends. A card in a mailbox here, a small bag of goodies there and she was now on her way to the last stop of the round; The Community Center. She had two bags left and two beloved people to see. She looked forward to seeing their contagious smiles. As she entered the center and walked toward the office of her 2 friends, she saw the one person whom the Lord had given her a particular strong love for.

Her name was Joy and they were of somewhat same age. A strong and almost majestic looking woman with a sweet tender smile and warm eyes. Everything about her showed authoritative compassion, not that she could actually explain what that meant. In the same way that she couldn’t explain why she had such a love for this woman. It wasn’t a romantic kind of love. It wasn’t a friendly buddy kind of love or even a bond like the love between family members. It did not feel like a love one would normally feel towards any friend. This was an entirely different kind of love which she had no doubt was from the Lord. But why? She did not understand why she had such a love for Joy or what to do with it. Joy didn’t seem like a person in need. Be it in need of a friend or some sort of support. Not at all. All she knew was that from the first time they met, she had loved her with a special kind of love. One she couldn’t easily show as Joy had never given her any incentive or even remotely hinted at a possible friendship. She wasn’t even able to call her a friend, but rather an acquaintance. Still, there was a free flowing love toward Joy and though she sorely wished to unleash it and allow it to pour over Joy, for some reason she always held back.

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As with most of the Christian people she had encountered, Joy too had some sort of invincible wall up. Never a sad look, always a smile. Of course some were genuine and those were easy to spot as she could feel it in her spirit where the Lord presided. Joy’s smile was a genuine one, but she still had a wall. Perhaps one to distinguish friends from Community Center relations. Maybe she was guarding her heart.
She didn’t know, but she knew it was there and it was blocking the way for friendship.

Joy walked in from the park area as their eyes met. She kept eye contact and to her amazement Joy walked towards her, greeted her with a smile and a hug. They chatted a little but unfortunately she had to move on if she were to see her two beloved friends, before they had to run off to meetings. Still, she felt the excitement in her heart that she got those precious minutes with Joy.

On her way back home she was contemplating the meeting with Joy. It was completely coincidental… though obviously it couldn’t be as there are no coincidences when the Lord rules. Thoughts flew through her mind like fireflies. She wanted so badly to show Joy the love, but she didn’t know how to… nor why, as Joy did not look or behave as a person in need. Not at all.

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That night she cried and wrote in her evening diary a letter to the Lord, asking Him to give her Joy as her best friend. She begged the Lord to open Joy’s heart to her and asked Him to initiate something to pave the way. The love was stuck inside her and it hurt… It wanted and needed to come out, but she couldn’t see how.
She was still pleading with Jesus when she laid her head to rest and drifted off to sleep.

Prepare to meet God

No, it’s not a death threat!
The Lord walked with Adam & Eve in the garden. He met with Moses in the desert. He spoke to and through His prophets… and now He speaks through His Holy Spirit.

tabernacle.jpgIt’s beautiful to look through the Old Testament Bible and read about the spectacular Tabernacle build on God’s command. The place where God would dwell with His people in the wilderness…

It seems pretty clear to me that the Lord enjoys meeting with His people. A lot.

Of course, a Holy God can’t meet with some unholy/sinful girl to sip coffee at the nearest coffee shop… Not that the wilderness would have had a lot of those!.. Which is why Jesus came, so we CAN meet God. Of course a coffee shop in the wilderness would have been pretty cool… “what’s that? An iced Latte to go?” – ha!
I have learned that the Hebrew word for “meet” is “ya’adh” (please don’t ask me to pronounce it!) – which means “to appoint, fix a time and/or place, meet by agreement, come together” and perhaps more.
In Exodus 19, God tells Moses to prepare His people for His arrival. He even gives a day and instructions on how to prepare them. When He came, Moses spoke and God answered him with v-o-i-c-e!

Exodus 19:9-11 (NIV)
The Lord said to Moses, “I am going to come to you in a dense cloud, so that the people will hear me speaking with you and will always put their trust in you.” Then Moses told the Lord what the people had said. And the Lord said to Moses, “Go to the people and consecrate them today and tomorrow. Have them wash their clothes and be ready by the third day, because on that day the Lord will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people.

Exodus 19:19
As the sound of the trumpet grew louder and louder, Moses spoke and the voice of God answered him.

That was then, this is now… But do I still need to hear from God? Oh dear, yes! But I don’t have a tabernacle, I don’t wash my clothes before praying and God doesn’t tell me when He intends to appear as a dense cloud! ipod.jpg
But I believe I still need to prepare to meet Him.
I know – Jesus is only a prayer away and He always listens.
No argument there!
But if I want to listen and hear what the Lord wants to tell me, perhaps I should put a little preparation in to it? Okay, maybe a lot… at least in my heart.

My best time to meet the Lord and hear Him is the morning time, with my cuppa in hand. It’s a daily appointment because I tend to wake up early (okay, sometimes He let’s me sleep in). hearing-voices-2.jpgI silence myself, I try to be still, concentrating on the Lord… and some days it just doesn’t work! So I grab my devotional and try not to get annoyed that my time with the Lord will get cut short, and once my girl wakes up – it’s “go” time…

Then I worship and praise Him…

Acts 13:2 (NLT)
One day as these men were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Appoint Barnabas and Saul for the special work to which I have called them.”

After worship and praise, I begin to pray…

Mark 1:35 (NLT)
Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray.

And then I listen for His voice… and I write it down in my journal. I don’t write down my prayers, but only what the Lord is telling me. And sometimes what I think He is telling me. Diary-Writing.png And it’s beautiful because now, a year after my dad passed away, I can go back in that journal and clearly see how the Lord was preparing me for what was coming, for the last months of my dad’s life and the following grief. He said it would be hard. He told me it would be a long horrible walk. But He also said I wouldn’t be crushed.

Habakkuk 2:2 (GNT)
The Lord gave me this answer: “Write down clearly on tablets what I reveal to you, so that it can be read at a glance.

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