Thank you

When I began this blog some 5 or 6 years ago, it sprang from me “having something on my heart.” At the time I really didn’t know what… well, maybe except from me wanting to tell my story.

If that makes sense.

My first posts were up and around. Dancing around the pit of that time: Stress!

I got a lot of therapeutic writing out which was great. But after that I had a long long time of no posting. Not really sure why though but I suppose I just needed some space to grow. Emotionally. Rest after stressing… Learning to see the signs of stress and acting upon them. That last part – Yeah, VERY important part! 

Here I am 5 years later – and +850 followers. WOW! OozX1_f-maxage-0

I need to say thank you – for following me and my journey, for loving and praying me through the best and worst of times. You are amazing out there in the blogosphere!

I’m still writing my book about Joy and Liz. It’s an amazing journey to walk in your mind – writing a book I mean. A story. Lives woven together.

Thanks for sticking with me!  I pray the Lord will fill each and every one of you with plenty of Joy!

 

Christmas Joy Break

I can’t say that I have given this much thought – and maybe I’ll sorely regret it… But I think I want to take a short break from my blog.
I know – that does NOT sound like me…
But as I’m sitting here writing this I’m feeling such peace and joyful calm.

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The last 2 blog posts named “Love Stuck” are actually depicting true events. Names have been changed “to protect the innocent” – ha ha… and I truly can’t wait to see what the Lord really does have on His heart for “Joy” and I. If anything at all…
But the posts sparked my imagination and I’m thinking that I’d like to give it a go.
It, being actually write the novel.
I have no idea if I can master doing it, but I’d like to try.

Prayers, hints, advice and good ideas are all very welcomed.

And… I’ll probably stay updated on the blog so I won’t be completely vanished, just perhaps “out of order” for a bit.

Thank you for loving me.

Not a book review 

I’m done with my favorite author’s latest book: Lysa TerKeurst and “uninvited” … chapter 15, 16 and the bonus chapter are amazing. Honest truth about hurts and pains, feeling rejected and unloved and how Lord Jesus can enter our pains. Simply put: great chapters and Lysa at her best. 

The rest of the book… well, not so much to my liking though I fully admit that I think a lot of girls out there might love it. I find it hard to relate to all the rejection she describes. Not that I haven’t been rejected. Her other book, though, “unglued” pretty much nailed me down to an art and is a permanent member on my bookshelf!

It just goes to show that Lysa is an author able to reach many women in all situations across all spheres of life on earth. 

Dealing with sadness

If you have ever felt deeply truly sad then you can probably relate. 

I am not sure how to deal with this sadness though. It feels like it’s a part of my blood and running through my veins. I am not frustrated, angry, stressed, depressed, disappointed or anxious for that matter. I am just deeply sad. Way down deep in my heart. 

Sad about my dad being this ill. Sad about the outlook on his illness. Sad about his tears. Sad about his unwillingness to accept even just God’s existence. Sad about his girlfriends behavior. Sad about my daughter having such strong mental challenges. Sad about the bleeding stomach she had and the possibility of it returning. Sad about my brothers ways. Sad about my husband working so hard and being stressed. Sad about my own struggles with anxiety. Sad about my best friend moving away. Sad… Just really sad. 

Being sad is not a sin. Dwelling in it may lead to sin. I don’t want to dwell in it, but admittedly this sadness is so overwhelming that it’s getting really hard to put on a smile and face the world. But I do it. Because I know that no matter what happens in my life: God has it covered. Sounds really sugar coated right? Well, it is… truth is that though everything in me yearns to believe and trust that Jesus has all my troubles and worries covered, I find it really tough to trust Him. Trust Him to help me through this. I really shouldn’t have any distrust here as He surely has carried me through tough times in the past and by the way, The God who hung the stars shouldn’t really have to proof Himself to me. So why am I struggling with trusting Him. 

According to Francis Chan and his book “crazy love”, I am a lukewarm Christian. Worrying about something is to not trust God and His ability to do whatever. I really don’t want to be a lukewarm Christian, but to some extend the guy is right. I am no longer on fire for Christ the way I used to be. Life – this worldly life – is beating me down. Why!?! Could it be God’s way to lead me further towards trusting Him? Nah… Even God can’t be that good, that forgiving, that wonderful… But the Bible tells me that He doesn’t give up on His own. 

Perhaps my sadness really stems from no longer feeling like I am on FIRE for Christ. The way I used to be. The way I want to be. I long for His presence and to feel His peace again so much it makes me cry. Literally. 

I’m feeling like a flower withering and no rain in sight. Holy Father – Please put color back in my heart. 

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Slow motion baby steps

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After 3.11.2011 when it all began, I gradually and slowly became more and more worried and concerned about all the little details as well as the big issues of life. It happened at a speed so slow I never realized just how bad it had gotten. During this time I took care of my daughter’s physical needs but ever so often neglected her emotional needs. The last 6 months in her kindergarten things weren’t good, but it didn’t get really bad until we pulled her out of the kindergarten. After that things went down hill fast. Looking back, I feel guilty. My daughter had taken far too many emotional punches in her kindergarten, so many that she resisted and gave up learning the language. She needed me, but I didn’t realize it. Because – I was so stressed and worried about everything else. Somehow in my mind I thought that pulling her out of the kindergarten would magically bring her back to normal state of mind. I was wrong, but I didn’t realize this until I got the help I needed. Then I took some baby steps back to being a mom.

My first cry to the Lord was also the first step into a whole new spiritual world and way of life. My first morning coffee with Jesus was the first step into the spiritual realm. A world I had never been in before (see previous posts).

On the first many mornings of my coffee with Jesus, I emptied my heart in every sense of the word. I spoke anything that came to mind – in silence. Gave up everything that was left in me – in silence. I didn’t see that there was very little of my old self left in me. I was filled with fear, worry and concern. Those very things that had forced me down the spiral of evil. One of Satan’s favorite ways of getting us down is just that: Fear. A year had passed since 3.11. 2011 – and not until then did I get help. A whole year with gradual fears and worries getting worse daily and me not noticing at all. But now that I was standing up again, feeling more like a human as well as more like a mom again, I thought it was all done. But no… I was very wrong. My muscle relaxing medicine was working and gave a false sense of being “normal”. Still – I was able to be a mom again, though at times I withdrew to give myself time away from everything.

Despite knowing that something had to change, I had no clue what. Yes, my circumstances had to change, but what circumstances and to what? The road seemed blocked at that point. My daughter didn’t want to speak the japanese language, the aftershocks of the big earthquake was still happening, the food issues were never ending, the air radiation was a daily online check – and I had grown weary and tired. On top of everything else, my stress obviously was also affecting my marriage. Blessed me, my husband had been very kind and accepting during the past year. He was still accepting of me needing my “personal space” but  being aware of my stress disorder was likely a relief at this point for him.

During my morning coffee’s with Jesus, I gradually learned to give up control. Sounds easy… it’s not! My circumstances were out of my control, which left me feeling helpless and hopeless. When fear and worries presses down on you, helplessness is right down that same alley. I had no choice but to give up fighting and give up myself to His care. Still it took a long time for me to be able to give up my worries and just trust Him. The better part of a full year actually. I didn’t want to be afraid, but I couldn’t help it. It was like a bad habit. Now that I am on the other side of the stress disorder, suddenly things look more clear. Obviously, we are not in control of calamities and obviously, if you are a believer, control belongs to God, not us. Without knowing it, I was slowly letting go of fear and worries and was on my way to allow God to control my life. But Satan is vicious and he had every intention of not allowing me, to allow God. The closer I came to Jesus during my coffee morning, the more I was able to let go. You see, Satan is powerless if Jesus is around. And He was with me. I felt His presence so often during this time and I was filled up spiritually. I put on the armor of God through the power of Jesus, and when that happens, Satan hides. As soon as my daily routine began though, satan was right back on my shoulder poking me in every way he could. I was an easy target… and most days I gave in and fell over. Crying my heart out. Climbing back up from a pit of stress which satan has painted with glue is not something you can do on your own.

I slowly but safely began to take my first baby steps in slow motion.