Meanwhile…

I once told myself that I wouldn’t be posting “nonsense” posts on my blog. That all posts would have a purpose.CcMGoWaUMAAEAdG I think I’ve been pretty good with keeping that…
However, my last post was a while back and I think I owe it to those who follow this blog, to let you know that I’m still here.

 

We had an absolutely amazing trip to Australia and I can’t wait to post some photos! 

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After the summer, we got busy as life generally does and then we began the journey of homeschooling… The first 2 weeks I was all over the place and the following weeks has been full of adjustments. I’ll get back to that in a different post.

When I finally reached the point where I felt more relaxed in our new situation, I managed to trip and strained my neck – possibly had a mild whiplash – but thankfully, it feels like it has subsided again and I’m back to normal.

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“No stress” is top priority and in case you’d like to know:
I’m still not afraid!! Please see previous post for more info on that… 

 

reject jesusI do have concerns about my daughter as she continues to avoid social things, continues the cutting and is refusing treatment – while still refusing Jesus. At the same time, she is more relaxed with the homeschooling situation, so things do look brighter and we don’t have the same stress we did before.

 

Thanks for reading. I just wanted to keep you up to date and I do so hope I will be able to post another more purposeful post in the very near future.

Praise the Lord of us all! 

 

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The Summing Source of All Fears

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The words poured out of me; “I’m afraid, I have fear, it’s out of my control…” as I tried my best to explain to a friend how I truly felt inside. Out of the blue and without notice, my friend bowed her head and said a short prayer, commanding the Spirit of Fear to leave me immediately under the authority of Jesus Christ.
I didn’t expect that.
Shortly after I left her home I quietly mumbled “Lord, I sure hope that worked”, while staying focused on the next task ahead.

My daughter and I were catching a plane to Sydney a few days later. I don’t like flying… okay, I hate flying. It scares me and no amount of “safest way to travel” is gonna make me like it, so that’s that! Travels make me worry about a variety of things from food to flying and I triple check all paperwork etc. But I love encountering different cultures and countries.
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While packing a suitcase, I froze as I suddenly realized that something was “wrong”;
I wasn’t afraid!
I sat down and looked around me, going “eh… this is weird! Weirdly weird… it’s great, but oh so strange”. It took a while before the 10 yen coin sank in and I realized what had happened; Fear, that nasty source of evil with his claws buried deep in my shoulders, had literally left.
I was breathing in wonder and – honestly, totally stunned amazement.

The Spirit of Fear is real (as the Bible says) and its THE source and sum of ALL fears. 
Once freed, I had discernment as if a misty-like veil was lifted.
The spirit of fear distorted everything and through that, had gained control. And I didn’t even know it… How could I not know it?
Hold on to your reins because this might shake your doctrine: As far back as I can remember, quite literally, fear has been a companion of mine. As a child I was always afraid of something. As a young adult I lived it out by “facing fears” and battling the consequences.
I honestly thought it was normal to feel and live with fear as I hadn’t known any different. 
But it’s not supposed to be normal!!

We had a wonderful trip in Australia and my girl and I had several fights, which was where I discovered I have a new discernment and perspective of her mental health – but more on that issue in a future post.

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I l-o-v-e my Jesus!! The Bible says that we become a new creation when we get saved. My heart was sealed with His spirit, that’s for sure… but somehow Fear was still a companion of mine. He just wrapped himself in light instead. I have no intentions of discussing doctrine here. I’m stating a fact that has become clear to me, now that Fear is no longer surrounding the truth in a misty veil.

I don’t write down my prayers, rather my prayer journal is an opposite one; I write down the words Jesus speaks to me when we have coffee together in the morning. On August 5th I felt and saw Him, instead of hearing Him; “I sat above the clouds and Jesus kissed my forehead holding my head between His hands. He said “you have My strength in your bones”.”
I can feel in my bones that Jesus is in me and my self-confidence is actual confidence and no longer an outwardly pretend one… Just how cool is that!?!

This post is to testify to anyone out there living with fear:
It is not supposed to be like that.

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T-h-a-t 2nd sentence…

I’ve been traveling the past month both physically and spiritually. I have much to say and blog about, but I can’t seem to get pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard. There’s lots I want to share though and my blog showing a severe lack of new posts is not caused by me not having enough time – now that I’m back home from my travels.

I may be experiencing a writer’s block… I know the subjects but words fail me. I’ll be back…

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A Path Against Demons

ScreenHunter_01-Mar.-05-13.23.gifI don’t like demons. Who could possibly like something so fierce and evil and manipulating as a demon… don’t answer that.

I have my challenges, and if you read my posts here you’ll know I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts, cutting, depression, anxiety, fear and self-confidence issues in my child.
I’m now convinced that with – ALL – the many things happening, demonic activity is here. I already know believers can’t be possessed, but we can certainly be oppressed and where does the battle take place… inside us or outside our bodies or in the heavenly realms. Either way, demons are real and fear is a spirit – the Bible tells us so. The spirit of fear does not come from the Father.

I’m reading a book which is causing me to think about the subject of casting out demons. With the many issues we’re dealing with, it’s not far fetched to think it’s demons causing the whole charade.
But even if I have the authority to command demons to leave me, I’m not the one doing the work; He is! But casting out demons in others… I’m wondering if God wants me to be His instrument for such purpose. 

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We all have time periods of un-repented sin (unless you wish to “throw the first stone”) and demon spirits are sneaky. They’ll attach or enter through a keyhole at any given time…  Suppose my child has demons either in or attached to her, e.g. oppression, not possession, but in this case a fierce and ongoing oppression.
Suppose I’m growing in my awareness of their presence.

Some weeks ago my child asked questions about sexuality. Pretty common I would think albeit, a tad bit young. Same week I get approached in the supermarket by a man with very direct intentions and the following week, my daughter gets an email from a 21 year old guy looking for hot fun on a penpal website, posing as a 17 year old. All in this order and unrelated to each other. Could it possibly be that a demon of sexual sin was attracting these incidents toward us, is it coincidental (not likely!!) or is it just random sinful world stuff…

bb0d1a27ab87777151322eb61e463261.jpgLonging to rid us from this… I began praying for help, which led me to verbally telling the demons to go away in Jesus’ Name. It may be wishful thinking but I did actually feel like things were lighter for a day or so. But we got back in the rut… My kid needs to be built up and grow a strong relationship with the Lord. Otherwise banished demons may simply re-enter or re-attack.

I visited a friend yesterday. He knows my heart and situation. He prayed for me. Long and intense he prayed and asked the Lord to give me authority to cast out demons. He did this without me telling him of my own prayers for the same thing and it’s certainly not the most common thing to pray for!

Only the Lord can cast out demons, but could He intend for me to be His instrument? I’m not confused as much as in a waiting position. Waiting on hearing the Lord and praying for His protection in the meantime.

 

This is me right now. Pondering the Lord of mercy and light and what path lies before me.

A knack for trials

self-pity-darling-1300x866.jpg“I don’t need any trials in my life!”
I screamed from the darkness of the pit called “self-pity”.

Jesus said “In this life, you will have trials”

All the time, Lord??
Really… I just made it through one and now another spear has hit me right in the sore spot. Again!
I seem to have a knack for trials!

Jesus said “Take heart, for I have overcome the world”

I know You did, Lord… but what about me?
I can’t deal with the world much longer.

How come everybody else’s life is so good and perfect? Why am I the only one who is drowning in *rap? huh?

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I have an overwhelming desire to insert the text “Jesus said “because nothing on social media is reflecting real life””… but He never said that.
Wait… breathe… Do I want or do I need trials in my life?
While I certainly don’t want them, perhaps I do need them: For what happens when I’m allowed “time out”… I drift off and fall away from the One Who loves me at all times.

Jesus said “… And I will be with you until the very end of the age”

It doesn’t feel like You are all that close, Lord!… Really, it doesn’t!

Jesus said “I will send you a helper” (John 14:26)

A helper… Your Holy Spirit…  Maybe I’ve been so focused on the little round problem dangling in front of my eyes, instead of the Spirit inside me, that You gave me Lord. Oops…

Jesus said “The Spirit will give me glory, because he will take what I say and tell it to you” (John 16:14)

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Do you have a minute, Lord? Or a 100…?
Because I could really use a cup of coffee!

Leave me in the mess – please!

Because only in the mess, will I be able to truly see the Lord’s hand at work.

Actually, please don’t leave me in the mess, because it’s the last place I want to be in!

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I don’t know about you, but I often find myself in circumstances and messes where this dilemma exists.
I love seeing how God works in my life. I really really really love it.
At the same time, I thoroughly dislike being in those situations.

Then, of course, an average person, preacher, pastor, sermon etc proclaims that if I didn’t sin, I wouldn’t be stuck in bad situations. While this may be true… I’m pretty sure Jesus found Himself in a few “bad situations” during His 3 years of ministry and He for sure did not sin!
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So… May I just conclude, that even if I were entirely sinless (yeah, that’s not gonna happen!), the devil would just come at me with all the more force and all the more temptations and all the more… catch my drift? And eventually he would either win over my poor selfish soul or kill me in the process, so to speak. Either would work for him because seriously; the devil would truly slay your newborn baby if he could! The guy has no clue how to spell “mercy”, let alone show it.

Sure… God always provides a way out: Yes indeed the Lord does!tumblr_static_tumblr_static_8l0munbqf6skwc0gsck400s8w_640.gif

But that will inevitably mean you have to get stuck in messes sometimes…!?! So while we do have the power to not sin, we will. The way out of it goes along “the narrow road”, but there are some HUGE gates along that narrow road!
Just saying…

 

So please don’t leave me in the mess… LORD!
Because only in the darkness can we all truly see the light. Amen.

Lord, I messed up your child!

All a mom want is the best for her child and absolutely NO mom sees her child for the first time and thinks “oh sweet baby, in 9 years you’ll be on prozac!“..01_09234317_504a2d_2733336a.jpg.

There is possibly nothing more painful for a mom, than to watch her child struggle and being in pain. My kid has anxiety and depression issues and it’s like walking through a maze trying desperately to find a way out! You have to keep moving and yet you feel stuck. Just when you think you found a way that leads toward the exit, you find yourself at a dead end. Again.

Before you get the idea that this is a whiny pity-party post, allow me just a paragraph of mercy before I reveal what the Lord did…

I burdened myself with a “good mom/bad mom” thinking routine. Ahem… Okay, mainly “bad mom” and let’s face it: The world out there can be pretty d* mean telling moms when they are bad moms!…
I can’t count the times I have prayed to the Lord using the words “I’m so sorry Lord – I completely messed up your child!” Why can’t I get it right? Why do I mess her up like this? Why does she have to struggle like this? Why are “everyone else’s” kids perfect?… (they are not, but it often looks that way from the outside).good_mom_bad_mom-253x300.png

Then I read a few pages in a relatively known author’s book, giving an account of her experiences with motherhood – and it hit me: She makes just about the exact same mistakes as me (only this one actually opens up and talks about it – freely!). Her kids are fine. Mine isn’t.
Just maybe my child’s struggles aren’t my fault – I thought and continued reading more pages in this book and gleaned from her daily prayer of receiving Gods portion for the day.in-the-morning-when-i-rise-give-me-jesus-kitchen-coffee-espresso-jeremy-camp-song-lyrics-religious-god-spiritual-church_6944136.jpeg

 

Next morning I gathered my warm blanket, got my coffee, my devotional and focused all my thoughts on Yahweh… asking Him for my portion for this day.
We had a cozy coffee morning together – Jesus and I.
It’s a really good thing He isn’t picky when it comes to coffee! 
I got on with my day… and everything went pretty smooth… And then He once again overwhelmed me!

 

It’s as if Yahweh refuses to leave me to my own devices for even a day. I wouldn’t want Him to… but since I broke down and longingly wanting to TOUCH THE SCROLL, He hasn’t left my side! Continually pouring into me and showering me with His power.
– Yes, power – I didn’t write Blessing for though it is a Blessing, being in such closeness to Yahweh is extremely powerful stuff. (if you want to read the post:  “Touch the scroll”)

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It’s unusual for me to read the Bible mid-day, but I didn’t get yanked away for a to-do list: I took my Bible and opened at a “random” page (there’s nothing random about the Lord) and read onwards from Isaiah 43 and while reading through the first 10 verses, I simply cried…
Just humbly cried because He is so REAL, so POWERFUL and so WITH ME.

I know, I know: A stressed out mom cries easily… but that was just it: I wasn’t stressed out! – I had prayed for my portion and everything had gone smoothly all day!… I was relaxed and in a good place emotionally, physically and – I thought – spiritually!

Yahweh WILL tear down the hedges of the maze, when He deems the time has come.
I forget that. A lot. But Yahweh won’t allow me to. Again.

Isaiah 43:1 “Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine”.
Isaiah 44:3 “I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring and my blessing on your descendants”.

I read and re-read Isaiah 43 and 44 several times today and my Bible remains open on those pages. I can’t bring myself to close the book!

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Different in-difference

It’s not that people don’t care. They do.
It’s not that people don’t want to be involved. They do.
It’s just that people don’t want to help someone who doesn’t want the help. Or be disrespectful or an inconvenience – or perhaps even the other end of the scale; If others are already helping then why would I (need to) pitch in! Chat_Bubble_Huh.jpg

So instead of acting upon what can clearly be seen, like a friend or church member being ill, people regress into an indifferent state of mind; Telling themselves “She said she was fine. I must respect that, so I’ll leave her to her own devices, shrug my shoulders and tell myself “that’s what she wants”… Despite it being visibly crystal clear that the sick friend was not fine at all.

No, of course not all churches are like this!!…But sadly, many are!
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I truly believe that sometimes we need to love God enough to break the rules.
Now, before you slap my face… I mean the man-made rules, the courtesy rules, the “I don’t want to be a burden to anyone” rules…
Don’t you know?
Haven’t you heard? 
– We make Yahweh smile by loving Him – and putting a smile on the faces of our family in the unity of His body – in our faith. 
Jesus loves us – and enough to give away of… so pass it on, shall we? 

Illness and bad circumstances are no strangers to anyone I think… but I have seen several things lately that has thrown me off. One or two which I would actually have been willing to share but I would be breaking God’s rule of “don’t gossip” so I won’t.

What I do want to say about it is this:
When the people around you, friends and church family, do not take notice of your failing health or the expression in your eyes or if someone does take notice but do not ring the alarm bells to have help put into action, something is very wrong.
People take on the mindset of indifference.
I have a beef with that!
Love without action is wasted.
Prayers are great… but oftentimes within His body, more is needed.
When you can SEE that someone needs help – would you do more than pray for the person if you have the ability to help? 
In reality:
– Does a friend cross the line if they help you, without asking permission first?
– Is it inconvenient to have a meal hung on your doorknob?
– Is it a bother if someone would say “I’ll come by Saturday and mow your lawn!”?
I know we all have full plates; Our own family of course, a long to-do list, church responsibilities or we just can’t seem to get our act together… really? Are we all so caught up in ourselves that we can’t postpone or strike something from the list and go help someone? HELPING-HANDS-care.jpg
I’m not saying you as an individual should go all out and into the extreme to help others… well, actually that would be nice… but churches can make sign up sheets and you can write your name committing to help with gardening, bringing a meal or doing laundry…

If you really are indifferent, then you are lukewarm
and… well, Jesus was pretty clear about what He thinks of that!
But I’d like to think that most believers are not indifferent in the heart…
but the evidence of otherwise just seems to elude me.

If there is a struggle between the willingness to act vs a fear of being disobedient, then perhaps we can remember Ruth when she obeyed Naomi and went to lay at the feet of Boaz… but what did Ruth actually do?

She didn’t wait for him to tell her what to do, as Naomi had asked her to. No, she spoke up… and essentially asked Boaz for marriage.
She disobeyed Naomi, I believe, but I also believe that she obeyed God – “under Who’s wings she had come to take refuge”.
I think Ruth knew that her stumbling into Boaz’ field was no coincidence, for if you trust the Lord, then there are no coincidences… We need to LOVE those whom the Lord places in our path.
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This post was sparked by my dear friend Joel and he brought up Ecclesiastes 7:16-18, because it talks about the extremes… I personally prefer to look up several translations before settling on one that, to me, will make most sense. In this case, I’d like to read the passage in The Message translation:

Ecclesiastes 7:16-18 MSG

So don’t knock yourself out being good, and don’t go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won’t get anything out of it. But don’t press your luck by being bad, either. And don’t be reckless. Why die needlessly? It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.

The first part talks about pride I believe: Doing everything right all the time – appearing to be perfect and actually, I think that drives more people away than drawing anyone closer.
But don’t act in bad ways continually. If you break the rules all the time, you’ll get in trouble and people get tired of a troublemaker.
I love that last part that states:
See both sides of the coin and deal responsibly with reality;
With what we can SEE.
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We can obey a lot of good rules, but sometimes, we need to see the reality, step out in faith and act on what we can see – so we can help those within the body who are in need.  Even if it means breaking a man made rule.
And no, I’m not a Catholic despite two photos of Catholics are on this post, but it serves to illustrate “LOVE in action”.

Loosing faith – finding YAHWEH!

Possibly my faith in YAHWEH has never felt stronger, but I think I’m loosing faith in people. In the body known as the church. The unity we are called to nurture, protect and lovesukkot.jpg
I have no idea how to write this… I’m so sad. Bear with me though – it has a happy ending.

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The past weeks has been eye opening. Everywhere in the body I see fractions and the unity torn. From the communities I move in to the online world, I see love torn, lost, exhausted, stretched and twisted.
Love your neighbor as yourself is a command and a lifestyle.
I see a lot of empathy in the body, eyes full of compassion, offers of prayers etc. It’s all great expressions of love, but there’s little action.

What good is love, if it is not followed by action?
If love is present, but not shown?
If you can do more than pray, what stops you?

YAHWEH wants me to LOVE those He places in my path. It’s not up to me to choose whom I want to love. It’s not up to us if we call ourselves believers, followers of Christ or Christians (whatever the difference is) to pick and choose who “deserves” my love and attention. No!

24dd920aeb36e4084f92a75e5b2a34a8.jpg We are supposed to be known by our LOVE!

The healthy do not need a doctor, but they do need to be humble enough to pour out the Blessings the Lord has given them (does Boaz ring a bell?) – into those who are in need (how about Ruth?). Especially within His body. I’m very sorry if I step on toes now… but being a believer is not “just about witnessing to non-believers” (though that’s not a small task), but it’s also about being a part of a community that shares and loves and nurtures each other.
If we don’t do that, how can we be known for our love for one another?

I asked my Lord a while back if He would show me how He feels about this world He created. If what follows below is any indication, my YAHWEH is grieving:

It began with an email from a dear friend, Sue, who lives in Jordan. She had just returned from celebrating “Sukkot” in Jerusalem. It was the week before Halloween… and I have been wanting to find a celebration to replace Halloween with. Something YAHWEH would want me to celebrate. As I read Sue’s email about how they celebrate Sukkot “as a “picture” of events that are still to come: the “wedding feast” held for Messiah and His Bride, as well as “The 8th Day” which represents the inauguration of the Eternal Kingdom” and she told me about the various things they do.

Then I came to the 8th day celebration. Her description brought me to my knees, short of breath, in emotional pain and grief and my eyes literally flowed over with endless tears… This is an edited excerpt of her mail:

On the 8th Day, we begin by reading the last two chapters of Deuteronomy together.  Then, in a traditional service, there is a pause.  Everyone has a chance to go up and view the Torah Scroll (assuming the congregation has one), and ask questions, etc.  Because the scrolls are so delicate and expensive (many are also VERY old), normally only the ‘readers’ get to see or handle them, so it is a great delight to actually be able to view an opened scroll up close.  A Torah scroll is a truly beautiful thing, especially because it represents The Living Word, our Messiah Yeshua!  

After the viewing, the scroll is formally and ceremonially rolled back to its beginning position at Genesis 1 – not an easy process that takes at least two people!  Then the first Chapter of Genesis is read, beginning a new year of study in the Torah. The Torah scroll is carefully dressed in its cover, and then it is reverently but joyously passed from hand to hand in the congregation, while everyone dances and sings!  Gentiles passing in the street get pulled in to share the fun!  This is called Simchat Torah (The Joy of Torah).  It represents the way we will joyously celebrate with Messiah when He takes up His Throne!

As I was on the floor crying out to my Lord to stop this grief I was feeling, tears just kept flowing, my breathing was rapid, my prayers unceasing. It took about half hour for me to gather myself.
I know I have never before been overwhelmed by YAHWEH like that.
It’s crystal clear to me that what He asks me to celebrate is found in His Word.
And my mind kept going: I want to touch the scroll! Even thinking about it now makes me cry. Literally.
Love expressed – is love noticed! 
Expressing our love for God is to put a smile on His face when we celebrate the things He has given us in His Word to celebrate.
Expressing our love for each other is to put a smile on each others faces as we stand side by side, always welcoming newcomers in just as Jesus would.
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