Happy Birthday. If you had been alive today you would have turned 71. Unfortunately you chose to leave us much too early and there is literally nothing left of you than the memories in my heart. Yeah… I get sentimental and I remember how you disliked sentimental while you yourself was one of the most sentimental women I have ever known! Go figure…
So, how about you grab a beer – or was it bloody Mary you enjoyed the most? and I’ll grab something non-alcoholic – and we can go sit down somewhere you loved; Like Stromstad in Norway? Okay… let’s go…
Honestly mom, your death was no fun and I have blogged about it earlier “How my mom passed away”, but My Jesus told me to leave the past in the past. I did. But memories don’t leave anyone and this birthday letter isn’t about your death, mom. It’s about your life.
You were conceived in love and yet born in grief and bitterness. Your mom and dad were married and in love. Then your dad decided to choose side and fought with the German army during WWII. He was reported dead before you were born and you never met him. I have always known that it left a huge scar in your heart. I know the bullying in the many different schools you went to always ended up on the same issue: Traitor-bitch.It wasn’t your fault.
You grew up anyway as we all do. As a young girl and while getting en education in flower arranging, you fell in love and got pregnant. You were supposed to get married but your fiancé died in a car crash and… – mom, did you not dare to go home to get help? I know, your mom had remarried and had 3 kids. Her husband probably wouldn’t be of much help. Abortion wasn’t an option for you – besides, I know you wanted the child. You took off to Iceland as many other girls did who had gotten in trouble, to have your baby. Were you pushed down a flight of stairs or did you trip? I don’t know, but the story I heard was that you lost the baby. Mom, was that really what happened or did you hide some facts?
What happened next is kind of where my story begins too; When you returned from Iceland, you moved away from your family to the other side of Denmark, worked in a hospital and a few years on you met my dad. You got married in your last trimester and then came my brother. 6 years later I happened.
I remember you mom. I remember the smile in your eyes and your humor. Your laughter, your love and your… melancholic attitude. I hated that. For many years I battled your self-pity which you tried to drown in wine. It doesn’t work!
I remember the day when you loudly and proudly declared you had told a family member off. She had asked you straight out to please accept Jesus into your heart. You told her no! I remember I felt weak and strange when you said that. I wasn’t aware that Jesus was already seeking me, pursuing me and calling me to Himself. In retrospect I get it. Mom, I really don’t want to think about where you are now. So let’s just enjoy the view to the fjord of Stromstad.
How I wish I could meet you again mom. So I could whisper to you that I love you and I forgive you and I miss you. I understand most of this letter seems negative. You had many positive sides and I so wish… that I could remember more of those. But I remember you doing your best to love me. I appreciate that. The last 2 years of your life were the best ones because you and I got a relationship – because you stopped drinking. You listened and heard me. You gave great advice and I miss those talks we shared. I know you would have loved my daughter and probably spoiled her rotten. If you could see me now mom, would you be proud of me? I accepted Jesus, I say no to drinking, I struggle a lot mom but I try to follow God’s way. Non of these things were things that counted for much in your mind. I remember that and it saddens me. I do know for sure though, that you would love me… and I’m happy knowing that Jesus loves me too.
I know your life didn’t get off to a great start. I know how it ended. But what happened in between was your life journey. As my life is my life journey.
I’ll always be your daughter. Happy Birthday mom.