Let Me be Me

The thought in my head: Can I be me..?? 

My life is a swirling bathtub drain full of “stuff” I’m dealing with. I can’t wait for it to disappear so I can be truly free of these overwhelming issues. I’m so b* tired!!

paralisi-nel-sonnoEmotionally tired, physically tired and brain tired.

The things I want to do and do for the Glory of Jesus are drowned out by the things I must do because of current circumstances. Essentially it means that the things that drain me are things I can’t choose not to do, while the things that brings life and energy back to me, are things I have no energy for.

Makes sense?… Well…

What I want to do is to write my book and paint my pictures, open up a webshop and sell affordable original art. That’s me… if I could be allowed to just be me. But just browsing through platforms offering a web-shop makes my head spin… and the good ones costs money. Would people really buy enough of my art to just cover the cost of keeping the website..?

But I can’t concentrate too much on this because I have to juggle finishing the homeschooling year (trust me; It’s horrid to have to motivate a teen when you can’t even motivate yourself!), getting right with the Japanese tax laws (yeah, I missed something there… prayers appreciated!), another psychological test for my child and possible change of medication (would be welcomed if it worked out!) and of course – money issues! My computer is crawling and could use a… well, a new one… As we say in Denmark: Argh!

When I’m done dealing with the day… I’m done and have no more energy (or time) for painting, let alone writing. Both these things needs attention. The kind that consists of cutting out a few hours or more. Making art takes time.

Wearing hats at home gives me a headache. I’m the mom, teacher, housewife, maid, cook… oh yeah, I’m a wife too… which is something I think I forget most days. Poor husband of mine.

The past 2 weeks I have slept about 5 hours pr. night. I’m literally tired. I’m emotionally burdened. I give it over to Jesus, but take it back when I look at my child struggling to the point of my heart breaking and my eyes turns into waterfalls. The money issues I mentioned before? The mental health system in Japan is a huge money pit!

I can’t afford a therapist, though I likely need one. So you good and kind people in the blogosphere are my therapists… Thanks for reading about the thought in my head.

Maybe I’m just being selfish. But how I wish I could be just Me.

love-yourself

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Gifted

Pretty paper-wrapped or boxed presents… with fancy bows and shining colors. No’b, not that kind of gift.

The thought in my head: Gifted people. 

Some are gifted. Born that way. They may struggle in other areas of life, but if you wish to read the encyclopedia at age 6, I’m betting you’re gifted in one way or another… But no, I’m not talking about that type of gifted either.

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If you are one of those who can see the rainbow beyond the cloud, then you are gifted with a stellar faith I’m downright envious of! 

I’m a doubter. From early childhood or as far back as I can remember, I have been drinking deep of a cocktail known as “Trust Doubt” or the liquor called “Prove It”. Occasionally both and undiluted.

When I can’t see a so-called “silver lining” to circumstances or somehow put reason behind things about to happen, I look for God and want Him to prove to me that He is still good. But I doubt Him.

When my child is in bed at night crying salty tears, telling me she hates life, I seriously wonder where Jesus is, because in those moments – I sincerely look and cry out to Him but I do not find Him. Every time she utters those words in one way or another, a part of me dies. Broken-heart-two-part-heart-wallpaper

Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have no clue what it feels like! 

I still have my faith. I can’t really get fiercely angry with Jesus if I don’t believe He exists. So that’s that.

I’m not gifted. I wish I could see the rainbow beyond the cloud.

Teaching homeschool

Once upon a while ago… about a year I suppose… I began homeschooling. I made a promise – to myself – that homeschooling wasn’t something I was going to blog about.

I may have to eat my words. 6a0134813bd9b0970c01538e76c72f970b-600wi

During my daily life of homeschooling my 11 year old, I often turn, twist and tune a thought, complaint or idea – and find that I want to share it. So I started a “journal input” category here on my blog. It’s basically for short diary-type posts.

The thought in my head is “I’m NOT a teacher!”

Teaching or being a teacher is and has always been as far from me as my repented sins!

I do not like, nor do I wish to teach in any shape or format. However, the Lord has placed me in a situation where I have no choice. And yet – When I go to Him and complain about me being this homeschooling mom, essentially being someone I do not want to be – He is in full agreement with me.

I know! It sounds strange.

I can’t teach (many homeschooling moms say the exact same thing: I can’t do this), but for me, it’s actually fully true and fully supported by the Lord.

By acknowledging the very fact that I can’t and shouldn’t teach, I am able to take on a role that enables me to homeschool; I can give assignments and I can help my daughter by showing her HOW to find out the things she needs to find out… In this way, I am still mom, not the teacher, and despite having a curriculum to follow, it’s a “working together” thing which in its basic form boils down to relationship.

Did that make sense?

In essence; I can do this.

Scolding-Nun

Not because I want to, because I still cringe at every curve, but because the Lord needs me to, I can relax in my “role” – and (for the most part – ahem!) not turn into some crazy frenzied “nun-mom”.