“Who am I to you” asked the Lord

Just this morning during my morning coffee with Jesus, the Lord asked me “Who am I to you” and I… stopped for a minute to think about my answer.

He is the Creator, the Almighty Powerful Merciful one. He created man and woman and then we failedHe bought us back with His own blood and gives everyone a chance to belong to Him – if we want Him. I can’t imagine why there are people who doesn’t want God!… I can barely remember what life was like when I happily (eh…) had a life without knowing God. I have a tear-stained Bible with lots of coffee stains, highlights, post-it markers and bookmarks. I love my Bible and yet I’m guilty of not reading it every day!

“Who am I to you” He asked… He is my pole in windy weather. He is my raft on the stormy sea. My anchor in life. Cliches? Oh yes… but it’s the truth.

And when I feel like I’m floating in endless dark space… He is the meteor, the rock, I can lay on while drifting on and on and on. Things do not get scary unless I let go of the Rock! He always listens and answers my prayers. We have been through some nasty rough times together. Real bad times. But He gave me strength to do the hard things, the Spirit to pray through the tears and the love to continue the journey.

Having a child with anxiety issues makes for a stressed out mommy at times. A mom who feels useless, concerned and as if drifting in dark space that never seems to end. I know I need breathing space but my mind finds it difficult to rest when I know that my child is battling things she can’t handle. It’s at times like that, it’s good to remind myself Who the Lord is to me…

Thank you Jesus for chasing me down and adopting me to yourself. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for helping me remind myself of Who YOU are. Because it’s not about me. It never was and it never will be.

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Journaling – and the first trial

For a short time now I have been journaling; Writing down the words God speaks to me during our “coffee mornings” e.g. prayer time.  It’s a thrilling time and hearing Him when He speaks is so wonderful, Glorious and Peaceful. Sometimes He gives directions, sometimes He gives warnings and sometimes He gives words of comfort.

My dad was admitted to hospital yesterday because of the fever, but he also had a skyrocketing blood pressure. I received a mail from my sister-in-law about this and I got really scared.
I know it’s not up to me, but it feels very scary to be far away, packing down a house and moving on Saturday and then receiving news such as this. Especially when I wish I could go and hold his hand…

So I broke down this afternoon, weeping and crying out for God.
I continued to ask Him if my dad would be okay this time around and a small voice inside kept saying yes,
but my fear felt crippling and I didn’t trust it was the voice of God, but my own desire to hear what I wanted to hear. A very trying day.
This evening I called my dad and kind of expected the worst news: cancer has spread.
But my dad sounds better.
Turns out he called the hospital shortly after I spoke with him and he was picked up by an ambulance and admitted. During the admission tests etc his blood pressure dropped to normal and (though he slept through it) he was given 2 liter of antibiotics and now the fever is gone too.
They are running enzyme tests now to find out if or what went or is wrong.
He says it looks like there is blood in the urine so I am still concerned that the cancer might have spread.
He also has some mucus in his throat that doesn’t want to go up nor down and his voice is very hoarse.

But I just had a moment of repentance – how small is my faith that I don’t trust His voice during a time of trial! I allowed fear to take over and it’s… well, embarrassing.
I have had days on days of wonderful conversation prayer time with the Lord and then I fall at the very first trial I get!
Bummer!!

Here’s to trusting His voice next time!
In Jesus

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Journaling! That’s a new one…

Perplexed, baffled and in complete Awe!

How does the Lord do it… Having me doing something I never did before and right in the midst of all my many stressful circumstances; He has me starting a journal!

Now that is something I have never done before… Not at all complaining about it, but wow: While packing down a house, handling my daughter’s nervous and sensitive spirit, hubby traveling and dad sick and many oversea’s phone calls…

The Lord wakes me up early in the morning (nothing new there really, because morning coffee with Jesus has always been “our thing” (and no, Jesus isn’t picky with His coffee…), and then the other day I just got this weird thought to bring a notebook to my usual “prayer place” (that means; hot carpet and candles just for the cozy feeling) and wouldn’t you know: He spoke! Loud and clear the words came to me “Stand up straight, for the Lord is with you” and He continued with several other sentences. I wrote them all down. I have never done that… literally never.
So this morning He woke me up early again and while starting a prayer, more or less unfocused, I gave up and began just talking to Him and before I knew it, I was turning pages in the Bible, reading amazing verses I have never seen before (or rather; noticed) and scribbling words of the Lord’s wisdom.

I like this journaling and I am even blogging about it!
Praying that it will continue.

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