The Summing Source of All Fears

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The words poured out of me; “I’m afraid, I have fear, it’s out of my control…” as I tried my best to explain to a friend how I truly felt inside. Out of the blue and without notice, my friend bowed her head and said a short prayer, commanding the Spirit of Fear to leave me immediately under the authority of Jesus Christ.
I didn’t expect that.
Shortly after I left her home I quietly mumbled “Lord, I sure hope that worked”, while staying focused on the next task ahead.

My daughter and I were catching a plane to Sydney a few days later. I don’t like flying… okay, I hate flying. It scares me and no amount of “safest way to travel” is gonna make me like it, so that’s that! Travels make me worry about a variety of things from food to flying and I triple check all paperwork etc. But I love encountering different cultures and countries.
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While packing a suitcase, I froze as I suddenly realized that something was “wrong”;
I wasn’t afraid!
I sat down and looked around me, going “eh… this is weird! Weirdly weird… it’s great, but oh so strange”. It took a while before the 10 yen coin sank in and I realized what had happened; Fear, that nasty source of evil with his claws buried deep in my shoulders, had literally left.
I was breathing in wonder and – honestly, totally stunned amazement.

The Spirit of Fear is real (as the Bible says) and its THE source and sum of ALL fears. 
Once freed, I had discernment as if a misty-like veil was lifted.
The spirit of fear distorted everything and through that, had gained control. And I didn’t even know it… How could I not know it?
Hold on to your reins because this might shake your doctrine: As far back as I can remember, quite literally, fear has been a companion of mine. As a child I was always afraid of something. As a young adult I lived it out by “facing fears” and battling the consequences.
I honestly thought it was normal to feel and live with fear as I hadn’t known any different. 
But it’s not supposed to be normal!!

We had a wonderful trip in Australia and my girl and I had several fights, which was where I discovered I have a new discernment and perspective of her mental health – but more on that issue in a future post.

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I l-o-v-e my Jesus!! The Bible says that we become a new creation when we get saved. My heart was sealed with His spirit, that’s for sure… but somehow Fear was still a companion of mine. He just wrapped himself in light instead. I have no intentions of discussing doctrine here. I’m stating a fact that has become clear to me, now that Fear is no longer surrounding the truth in a misty veil.

I don’t write down my prayers, rather my prayer journal is an opposite one; I write down the words Jesus speaks to me when we have coffee together in the morning. On August 5th I felt and saw Him, instead of hearing Him; “I sat above the clouds and Jesus kissed my forehead holding my head between His hands. He said “you have My strength in your bones”.”
I can feel in my bones that Jesus is in me and my self-confidence is actual confidence and no longer an outwardly pretend one… Just how cool is that!?!

This post is to testify to anyone out there living with fear:
It is not supposed to be like that.

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T-h-a-t 2nd sentence…

I’ve been traveling the past month both physically and spiritually. I have much to say and blog about, but I can’t seem to get pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard. There’s lots I want to share though and my blog showing a severe lack of new posts is not caused by me not having enough time – now that I’m back home from my travels.

I may be experiencing a writer’s block… I know the subjects but words fail me. I’ll be back…

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A Path Against Demons

ScreenHunter_01-Mar.-05-13.23.gifI don’t like demons. Who could possibly like something so fierce and evil and manipulating as a demon… don’t answer that.

I have my challenges, and if you read my posts here you’ll know I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts, cutting, depression, anxiety, fear and self-confidence issues in my child.
I’m now convinced that with – ALL – the many things happening, demonic activity is here. I already know believers can’t be possessed, but we can certainly be oppressed and where does the battle take place… inside us or outside our bodies or in the heavenly realms. Either way, demons are real and fear is a spirit – the Bible tells us so. The spirit of fear does not come from the Father.

I’m reading a book which is causing me to think about the subject of casting out demons. With the many issues we’re dealing with, it’s not far fetched to think it’s demons causing the whole charade.
But even if I have the authority to command demons to leave me, I’m not the one doing the work; He is! But casting out demons in others… I’m wondering if God wants me to be His instrument for such purpose. 

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We all have time periods of un-repented sin (unless you wish to “throw the first stone”) and demon spirits are sneaky. They’ll attach or enter through a keyhole at any given time…  Suppose my child has demons either in or attached to her, e.g. oppression, not possession, but in this case a fierce and ongoing oppression.
Suppose I’m growing in my awareness of their presence.

Some weeks ago my child asked questions about sexuality. Pretty common I would think albeit, a tad bit young. Same week I get approached in the supermarket by a man with very direct intentions and the following week, my daughter gets an email from a 21 year old guy looking for hot fun on a penpal website, posing as a 17 year old. All in this order and unrelated to each other. Could it possibly be that a demon of sexual sin was attracting these incidents toward us, is it coincidental (not likely!!) or is it just random sinful world stuff…

bb0d1a27ab87777151322eb61e463261.jpgLonging to rid us from this… I began praying for help, which led me to verbally telling the demons to go away in Jesus’ Name. It may be wishful thinking but I did actually feel like things were lighter for a day or so. But we got back in the rut… My kid needs to be built up and grow a strong relationship with the Lord. Otherwise banished demons may simply re-enter or re-attack.

I visited a friend yesterday. He knows my heart and situation. He prayed for me. Long and intense he prayed and asked the Lord to give me authority to cast out demons. He did this without me telling him of my own prayers for the same thing and it’s certainly not the most common thing to pray for!

Only the Lord can cast out demons, but could He intend for me to be His instrument? I’m not confused as much as in a waiting position. Waiting on hearing the Lord and praying for His protection in the meantime.

 

This is me right now. Pondering the Lord of mercy and light and what path lies before me.

A knack for trials

self-pity-darling-1300x866.jpg“I don’t need any trials in my life!”
I screamed from the darkness of the pit called “self-pity”.

Jesus said “In this life, you will have trials”

All the time, Lord??
Really… I just made it through one and now another spear has hit me right in the sore spot. Again!
I seem to have a knack for trials!

Jesus said “Take heart, for I have overcome the world”

I know You did, Lord… but what about me?
I can’t deal with the world much longer.

How come everybody else’s life is so good and perfect? Why am I the only one who is drowning in *rap? huh?

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I have an overwhelming desire to insert the text “Jesus said “because nothing on social media is reflecting real life””… but He never said that.
Wait… breathe… Do I want or do I need trials in my life?
While I certainly don’t want them, perhaps I do need them: For what happens when I’m allowed “time out”… I drift off and fall away from the One Who loves me at all times.

Jesus said “… And I will be with you until the very end of the age”

It doesn’t feel like You are all that close, Lord!… Really, it doesn’t!

Jesus said “I will send you a helper” (John 14:26)

A helper… Your Holy Spirit…  Maybe I’ve been so focused on the little round problem dangling in front of my eyes, instead of the Spirit inside me, that You gave me Lord. Oops…

Jesus said “The Spirit will give me glory, because he will take what I say and tell it to you” (John 16:14)

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Do you have a minute, Lord? Or a 100…?
Because I could really use a cup of coffee!

I struck out – Silencing an Introvert 2

I totally struck out on yesterday’s post! I mean really struck out…

My intentions were to write about introverts in the school system, but I got derailed and went straight into a self-pity party or something down that winding road!

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I can’t run from my feelings. I am truly both sad, angry and disappointed in school and teachers. For 3 years I have tried to be “a good Christian” about it, but now that I need to process it, it stings. When I’m done processing the whole thing, I’ll get back to the introverts in the school system.

I’ll get there… Because Jesus is with me and knows me and knows exactly how I feel.

Bloggers: Thank you for staying with me during these tough times. I need you and I love you and I pray Blessings into your lives! THANKS! 

Cut the Pain

I’m seeing things I don’t want to see and hearing things I don’t want to hear.
I’m living a life, I do not want. I’m in a war zone!
Lord, we get what we need and not always what we want.
But I don’t think I ever needed this!

cuttingMy daughter is only 10 and has a depression caused by severe anxiety. It has been going on for years and she has been on medication for about 10 months now. Only… Recently… Things took a turn I didn’t expect: Cutting.

Cutting is also known as self-harm, using a nice word – or self-mutilation, using a hard-core word. It’s a tangible pain that for a moment replaces an intangible and possibly unidentified pain of the heart and mind.

Istrongmomt’s gruesome for a mom to watch and not having many or any means of help. But the tough part of it is actually, that I must be “non-sensitive” to it. Meaning, if I can’t take it – handle it, my child will loose the only safe place she feels she has.
Lord, I really don’t think I ever needed this. 
All I can do is love her through it and patch up the cuts and sore places on her skin and pray, pray, pray… please Lord, no more!

My heart breaks in pieces all the time…
This is my life and I have to accept it, even if I don’t want to.
If I do not accept her condition, I can’t recognize the issues and ultimately help her.
Lord, I need You to help her.

During the years while battling this anxiety that paved the way to depression and now cutting too, I have stayed strong the best I could, but I’m done. I look in the mirror and I see a tired woman. Not one who is thriving in life, but one who is surviving.
Lord, I don’t want to just survive – I want to thrive!depressedmom

I visited a counselor the other day. I did it for myself… and after a test it was revealed that I can be placed in the box of “2-points from severe depression”. Until next meeting, I need to make an effort to do something daily for myself. Something that is good for me.
Lord, I need this.

But Lord, I want to have FUN with You.
To live, love, laugh, do and BE with You.
I know I prayed to be a woman of faith once… but Lord, this road is harder than rocks and my mustard seed inside is melting in the furnace. And it hurts, Lord. It hurts!


Lord, I really need to have some fun with You.

I really need You, now.

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Leave me in the mess – please!

Because only in the mess, will I be able to truly see the Lord’s hand at work.

Actually, please don’t leave me in the mess, because it’s the last place I want to be in!

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I don’t know about you, but I often find myself in circumstances and messes where this dilemma exists.
I love seeing how God works in my life. I really really really love it.
At the same time, I thoroughly dislike being in those situations.

Then, of course, an average person, preacher, pastor, sermon etc proclaims that if I didn’t sin, I wouldn’t be stuck in bad situations. While this may be true… I’m pretty sure Jesus found Himself in a few “bad situations” during His 3 years of ministry and He for sure did not sin!
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So… May I just conclude, that even if I were entirely sinless (yeah, that’s not gonna happen!), the devil would just come at me with all the more force and all the more temptations and all the more… catch my drift? And eventually he would either win over my poor selfish soul or kill me in the process, so to speak. Either would work for him because seriously; the devil would truly slay your newborn baby if he could! The guy has no clue how to spell “mercy”, let alone show it.

Sure… God always provides a way out: Yes indeed the Lord does!tumblr_static_tumblr_static_8l0munbqf6skwc0gsck400s8w_640.gif

But that will inevitably mean you have to get stuck in messes sometimes…!?! So while we do have the power to not sin, we will. The way out of it goes along “the narrow road”, but there are some HUGE gates along that narrow road!
Just saying…

 

So please don’t leave me in the mess… LORD!
Because only in the darkness can we all truly see the light. Amen.

The Jesus heart

It was 2012 January. It was cold and Japan was still much affected by the 2011 triple disaster and I was very much affected by the fact that our child had been traumatized in her Japanese kindergarten. overkwork.jpeg
My body was weak and my heart was slowly freezing. I was trying to recoup so I could help my child overcome. But my mental and physical condition was rather bad. I slept 2 to 3 hours pr. night. This was before my husband sent me off to the doctor to get some sleeping pills… (So glad he did!).

To get away from it all, we went to the mountains in the Kanto region near Mt. Fuji during that January. Just my daughter and me. I thought I needed to get away… It didn’t do my health much good, but the Lord gave me a Blessing I’ll never forget:
While there, we visited the Venetian glas museum, where Jesus met me in one of my deepest moments of despair.
Imagine an almost empty Venetian estate. Inside it’s full of various glass art, from facets to colorful engravings. The walls are all covered with gorgeous art and the ceiling with paintings of beauty. The lighting is soft and dim in most places and you can hear the smooth sound of water from fountains from almost any place inside the estate.Hakone_Venetian_Glass_Museum_002.jpg

The place was almost empty because it was out of season and my daughter was excitedly going from display to display, up and down the stairs, wow’ed by the beauty.
I was scared of the future, frightened at the present and angry about the past.

I looked up at the ceiling, wondering if life would ever work out – and saw the replica of the famous “Last supper” painted there. I found Jesus and as I did, it was as if His eye moved, looked at me and I heard His voice whisper “You will be okay!”.
Immediately I broke into tears. They streamed down my face… I kept focusing on Jesus in the painting. I refused to let the moment go… but my daughter was calling me and I had to wipe the tears and keep moving.

Jesusheart.jpgMy heart was both heavy and yet light. I knew I was in a rut, but I also knew that Jesus had spoken to me. His assurance took the burden off me. I can’t say that life got easy after this, but that day and the rest of the week in the mountains certainly did.

On our way out of the museum, I stopped by the gift shop and I saw a beautiful red glass heart pendant. I bought it despite the price tag being way over what I would usually pay for a glass pendant, and I call it my “Jesus heart”.
He glued my heart that day with His words.

It’s 5 years ago and it’s still fresh in memory and the heart still hangs around my neck.

Lord, I messed up your child!

All a mom want is the best for her child and absolutely NO mom sees her child for the first time and thinks “oh sweet baby, in 9 years you’ll be on prozac!“..01_09234317_504a2d_2733336a.jpg.

There is possibly nothing more painful for a mom, than to watch her child struggle and being in pain. My kid has anxiety and depression issues and it’s like walking through a maze trying desperately to find a way out! You have to keep moving and yet you feel stuck. Just when you think you found a way that leads toward the exit, you find yourself at a dead end. Again.

Before you get the idea that this is a whiny pity-party post, allow me just a paragraph of mercy before I reveal what the Lord did…

I burdened myself with a “good mom/bad mom” thinking routine. Ahem… Okay, mainly “bad mom” and let’s face it: The world out there can be pretty d* mean telling moms when they are bad moms!…
I can’t count the times I have prayed to the Lord using the words “I’m so sorry Lord – I completely messed up your child!” Why can’t I get it right? Why do I mess her up like this? Why does she have to struggle like this? Why are “everyone else’s” kids perfect?… (they are not, but it often looks that way from the outside).good_mom_bad_mom-253x300.png

Then I read a few pages in a relatively known author’s book, giving an account of her experiences with motherhood – and it hit me: She makes just about the exact same mistakes as me (only this one actually opens up and talks about it – freely!). Her kids are fine. Mine isn’t.
Just maybe my child’s struggles aren’t my fault – I thought and continued reading more pages in this book and gleaned from her daily prayer of receiving Gods portion for the day.in-the-morning-when-i-rise-give-me-jesus-kitchen-coffee-espresso-jeremy-camp-song-lyrics-religious-god-spiritual-church_6944136.jpeg

 

Next morning I gathered my warm blanket, got my coffee, my devotional and focused all my thoughts on Yahweh… asking Him for my portion for this day.
We had a cozy coffee morning together – Jesus and I.
It’s a really good thing He isn’t picky when it comes to coffee! 
I got on with my day… and everything went pretty smooth… And then He once again overwhelmed me!

 

It’s as if Yahweh refuses to leave me to my own devices for even a day. I wouldn’t want Him to… but since I broke down and longingly wanting to TOUCH THE SCROLL, He hasn’t left my side! Continually pouring into me and showering me with His power.
– Yes, power – I didn’t write Blessing for though it is a Blessing, being in such closeness to Yahweh is extremely powerful stuff. (if you want to read the post:  “Touch the scroll”)

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It’s unusual for me to read the Bible mid-day, but I didn’t get yanked away for a to-do list: I took my Bible and opened at a “random” page (there’s nothing random about the Lord) and read onwards from Isaiah 43 and while reading through the first 10 verses, I simply cried…
Just humbly cried because He is so REAL, so POWERFUL and so WITH ME.

I know, I know: A stressed out mom cries easily… but that was just it: I wasn’t stressed out! – I had prayed for my portion and everything had gone smoothly all day!… I was relaxed and in a good place emotionally, physically and – I thought – spiritually!

Yahweh WILL tear down the hedges of the maze, when He deems the time has come.
I forget that. A lot. But Yahweh won’t allow me to. Again.

Isaiah 43:1 “Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine”.
Isaiah 44:3 “I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring and my blessing on your descendants”.

I read and re-read Isaiah 43 and 44 several times today and my Bible remains open on those pages. I can’t bring myself to close the book!

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