Let Me be Me

The thought in my head: Can I be me..?? 

My life is a swirling bathtub drain full of “stuff” I’m dealing with. I can’t wait for it to disappear so I can be truly free of these overwhelming issues. I’m so b* tired!!

paralisi-nel-sonnoEmotionally tired, physically tired and brain tired.

The things I want to do and do for the Glory of Jesus are drowned out by the things I must do because of current circumstances. Essentially it means that the things that drain me are things I can’t choose not to do, while the things that brings life and energy back to me, are things I have no energy for.

Makes sense?… Well…

What I want to do is to write my book and paint my pictures, open up a webshop and sell affordable original art. That’s me… if I could be allowed to just be me. But just browsing through platforms offering a web-shop makes my head spin… and the good ones costs money. Would people really buy enough of my art to just cover the cost of keeping the website..?

But I can’t concentrate too much on this because I have to juggle finishing the homeschooling year (trust me; It’s horrid to have to motivate a teen when you can’t even motivate yourself!), getting right with the Japanese tax laws (yeah, I missed something there… prayers appreciated!), another psychological test for my child and possible change of medication (would be welcomed if it worked out!) and of course – money issues! My computer is crawling and could use a… well, a new one… As we say in Denmark: Argh!

When I’m done dealing with the day… I’m done and have no more energy (or time) for painting, let alone writing. Both these things needs attention. The kind that consists of cutting out a few hours or more. Making art takes time.

Wearing hats at home gives me a headache. I’m the mom, teacher, housewife, maid, cook… oh yeah, I’m a wife too… which is something I think I forget most days. Poor husband of mine.

The past 2 weeks I have slept about 5 hours pr. night. I’m literally tired. I’m emotionally burdened. I give it over to Jesus, but take it back when I look at my child struggling to the point of my heart breaking and my eyes turns into waterfalls. The money issues I mentioned before? The mental health system in Japan is a huge money pit!

I can’t afford a therapist, though I likely need one. So you good and kind people in the blogosphere are my therapists… Thanks for reading about the thought in my head.

Maybe I’m just being selfish. But how I wish I could be just Me.

love-yourself

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15 thoughts on “Let Me be Me

  1. I pray that things improve for you & that you would see God’s presence in your life & have rest. I see in your posts that things have been difficult. I know God will make a way as you continue to trust in Him. I have been through so much in my own life & it was God that got me through it all even when I didn’t see it. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. This is very encouraging for me to read. I’ll get through it with the Lords help but sometimes things are so overwhelming that I’m going to burst if I don’t let it out.
      Thanks and many blessings to you.

      Like

  2. Dear Lenei, I’m so glad that, in the midst of all your challenges and pressures, you had time to share all this! I’ll be praying for you after I write this. Please reserve time to spend in God’s word, it opens the door for Him to speak to you! I surely understand the difficulties in therapy. When I was overwhelmed, therapy didn’t really help me…but God’s word did. “Your statutes are my delight, they are my counselors”. (Ps 119:24)
    I would never discourage anyone from therapy but until you can go, put your hope in your Maker who understands every detail of your struggles. Remember, His word is “living and active, sharper than any two edged sword.” That’s powerful! Make an appointment with Him…and let Him minister to you.
    God bless you sister, praying you’ll get a restorative and refreshing night’s sleep!!

    Liked by 1 person

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