Cut the Pain

I’m seeing things I don’t want to see and hearing things I don’t want to hear.
I’m living a life, I do not want. I’m in a war zone!
Lord, we get what we need and not always what we want.
But I don’t think I ever needed this!

cuttingMy daughter is only 10 and has a depression caused by severe anxiety. It has been going on for years and she has been on medication for about 10 months now. Only… Recently… Things took a turn I didn’t expect: Cutting.

Cutting is also known as self-harm, using a nice word – or self-mutilation, using a hard-core word. It’s a tangible pain that for a moment replaces an intangible and possibly unidentified pain of the heart and mind.

Istrongmomt’s gruesome for a mom to watch and not having many or any means of help. But the tough part of it is actually, that I must be “non-sensitive” to it. Meaning, if I can’t take it – handle it, my child will loose the only safe place she feels she has.
Lord, I really don’t think I ever needed this. 
All I can do is love her through it and patch up the cuts and sore places on her skin and pray, pray, pray… please Lord, no more!

My heart breaks in pieces all the time…
This is my life and I have to accept it, even if I don’t want to.
If I do not accept her condition, I can’t recognize the issues and ultimately help her.
Lord, I need You to help her.

During the years while battling this anxiety that paved the way to depression and now cutting too, I have stayed strong the best I could, but I’m done. I look in the mirror and I see a tired woman. Not one who is thriving in life, but one who is surviving.
Lord, I don’t want to just survive – I want to thrive!depressedmom

I visited a counselor the other day. I did it for myself… and after a test it was revealed that I can be placed in the box of “2-points from severe depression”. Until next meeting, I need to make an effort to do something daily for myself. Something that is good for me.
Lord, I need this.

But Lord, I want to have FUN with You.
To live, love, laugh, do and BE with You.
I know I prayed to be a woman of faith once… but Lord, this road is harder than rocks and my mustard seed inside is melting in the furnace. And it hurts, Lord. It hurts!


Lord, I really need to have some fun with You.

I really need You, now.

warfare

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56 thoughts on “Cut the Pain

  1. Lene, I just read your last blog which moved me to read other posts. I am so sorry your daughter is dealing with self-harm. I have a couple of friends who have struggled with this as well, and it is always a difficult issue to handle. Thankfully, my friends are better now, and I believe your daughter will get well too.

    The important thing is simply to be there for her. Allow her to talk about what she’s going through without embarrassment or fear (Which I’m sure you do already). Help her learn to pray to God and go to Him too. Also, I’d highly encourage music, as that can be very helpful when going through depression or sorrow. Does she know anything by Britt Nicole, by any chance? Her music is very encouraging to young girls and actually has a song that addresses this very issue. I know a lot of girls (myself included) have been very inspired and encouraged by her music. Sometimes, just the feeling of relating to someone else’s words can be helpful. I’ll be sure to keep her in my prayers and I’m so sorry she’s going through this.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Britt Nicole is known in the household and has been for a while now. Unfortunately the influence from other kids seems to affect the music choice too. I would like to find a new name singing good songs, like Britt Nicole, to introduce to her. Blessings.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm, well I’d highly recommend Barlow Girls and Superchick – they’re sort of similar. Skillet is also good, if she’s into heavier rock. Anyways, I pray God walks with her through this difficult season and helps her move past depression. The preteen years are such a hard age but I know things will get better!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I just ran across your post accidentally but it tugged on my heart. I think a horribly named but highly informative book called “when pigs move in” by Don Dickerman might be helpful to you.
    I realize that you have no reason to accept that suggestion but I genuinely think it would bring light to your situation as it did to mine several years ago.

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  3. I am so sorry to read this, Lene. Depression is such a struggle, especially for children. My heart hurts and my soul cries out to know that she is hurting so much inside that she needs to express this through cutting. And I can feel how exhausted and grieved you are as her mother…don’t give up hope! He is with us through it all and He can mend all brokenness. You are both in my prayers!!!

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    1. Thank you Christina. I am grateful for the prayers and especially for guidance in deciding what’s best for her now and in the future. The Lord is faithful and will protect us. Blessings to you and your family.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Prayers are always appreciated and during this time, especially prayers for my daughter to seek and find her strength in Jesus. Having a deep spiritual life at age 10 is difficult to develop, but I truly believe that is what she needs. Thank you!
      Love,
      Lene

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes! I, too struggled with depression throughout high school and sought Christian counseling and daily nightly prayers with my mom and dad. That helped me a lot and may also help your daughter! God bless

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      2. Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m sorry you had a rough time in high school! Thanks for praying with me. The Lord will not fail us, but it’s a tough walk. Blessings to you.

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  4. I have just come across this post and I am deeply sorry for the pain of your daughter. At such a tender and innocent age, I can imagine the struggles she is gong through. I have experienced depression before and I can bring myself to imagine how a girl at her age will be bearing such weight of emotional darkness.

    My prayers are with you and may God see you through this difficult moment in your family life. Amen

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I simply can’t imagine your pain or your daughter’s but I know it’s great, and my heart goes out to you. I read this post because I thought it was about physical pain, which I have, but yours is very much worse. I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I appreciate you leaving a comment and your thoughts. I’m so sorry you are in physical pain. That can be as hard as emotional pain. Praying for you. Many Blessings.

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  6. My heart cries for you, Lene. it is not easy for the parent of a child who is in the throes of depression, but, nobody seems to remember the travails of the mother. Sharing your story will hopefully open some minds and hearts and I am sure your prayers will be answered. The Lord is good. May you find rest in His peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Elizabeth

    Lene, I am praying for you and your daughter. I wish there was more that I could say but words fail in the face of such pain and sorrow. Three years ago my daughter Rebecca cut her wrists with some broken twisted thought that she was “making atonement” — she felt that God was angry with her. Her psychiatrist told her that God WAS the problem and she needed to stay clear of all thought of God. from that day we were not to mention God to her. She has since gotten much better — she has a good husband who loves her dearly, but believes that God is the problem, too. So they both have turned from their faith. I have come to a measure of peace with this, knowing that God will be the victor in the end. It is hard some days, though, to just say “Jesus I trust in you” when doubts assail.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Elizabeth, for your words of encouragement and prayers for us. I appreciate them very much and they are needed.
      I’m incredibly sad to hear about your daughter and a psychiatrist saying God was the problem… I can’t imagine the agonizing pain I would feel if someone told my daughter the Lord was the problem… But as you say – the Lord IS victorious in the end! We must keep the faith and hang on to truth. Love in Jesus.
      – Lene

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  8. I wanted to say that your post touched me deeply.

    I went through cutting with my child as well . I had to sit and watch the Dr stitch a cut that went too deep . I had to bandage wounds as I felt sick to the stomach .

    You expressed your pain so well with raw honesty. That takes courage! I pray God to shines down his comfort and strength and love on you!! I pray for your daughter to!!

    Hugs! Keep leaning on HIM! He will pull you through .

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Laudare.org

    Lene, My heart and prayers go out to you and your daughter. In seeking an answer I am reminded that we all suffer from a host of painful symptoms. The way she is dealing with it provides some form of temporary relief from her anxiety, depression and desperation and lack of knowing how to express and feel in this situation. In her own way she is working out a very serious issue that has happened to her. Its important to love, touch and express our feelings in healthy ways. It is important to listen to one another. Our Lord suffered and died for all mankind to come to him so he can bind our wounds and set us free from our sins and the effects of those sins. Some of us have greater battles. +Lord God May you send the rays of your faith, hope and love to heal the physical, mental and spiritual wounds of this family, protect them from evil and cover this family with the mantle of your Holy Mother Mary. All the Angels and Saints pray for us, in Jesus’ name we pray, Amen +JMJ

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  10. I’m so sorry. Our family has also suffered from mental illness. It is hardest when it happens to a beloved child. May God give you strength, may he touch your daughter with his hands of healing.

    If it helps, one of my granddaughters used to cut and was anorexic. After long therapy, she has stopped cutting and is working on keeping at the weight that she gained, although she still needs constant watching on that. She has improved very much. I pray this will happen for your daughter. There is hope in the Lord.

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    1. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate your prayers for us both. I’m sorry about your granddaughters anorexia and cutting. But it’s comforting to learn that she got out of it, despite continued watching. The only hope is Jesus.
      Blessings,
      – Lene

      Liked by 1 person

  11. What a beautifully written piece. I will pray for you, pray that Lord show you that there really is a light at the end of your tunnel, and it is NOT just the light of another train coming down the tracks.

    They never tell us that being a mom, well, the pain of child birth is actually the easy part. We can let babies out of our bodies far easier then we can let them come out of our soul. Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to let go emotionally and place myself and my needs before my children. It’s necessary however, healthy, vital.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen to that – both the train in the tunnel and the pains of childbirth as well as laying down our own needs first… it’s hard to do, especially when you feel like you can’t because, who knows what my kid will do to herself while I’m out on a refreshing walk… sigh.
      Lord knows it’s hard.
      Remain blessed and thanks for the comment.
      – Lene

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Myra T.

    I cried when I read what you’re going through and the little sweet girl that I used to play with! Be strong for her, we love you and praying for your family!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I will pray for both you and your daughter. This is rough and heartbreaking. Parents often feel helpless when in drastic situations like this. I pray that your daughter stops cutting and that God heals this little girl and makes her whole. You and your husband will need a lot of support and strength which you can readily get from Jesus Christ.

    I like the picture of the female knight. Can I borrow it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your prayer! Hope, peace and strength comes from the Lord continually, but being joyful in afflictions such as this, is plain hard.

      The female knight came from pinterest (search; Jesus warrior princess). I suppose it’s not actually mine to lend out 😉

      Remain in His love
      – Lene

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  14. Our ways and thoughts are not His ways and thoughts…it sure would be nice to get a break every now and again. I’m not sure why some people slide so easily thru life while others trudge. so sorry…I know the pain. I don’t have an answer or understand why it happens, it just does.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment. I’m honestly not sure either why some people go through life without much heartache and others struggle and wrestle daily. Someone once told me that perhaps God knows that those people wouldn’t have the strength for hard trials. But… I sure don’t feel strong enough for this, so I must wonder how true it could be.
      Blessings,
      – Lene

      Liked by 1 person

  15. So sorry, Lene! I was that girl a couple of decades ago, and now I’m going through a heart-wrenching process of seeing my youngest change from a happy and loving child to a sullen, withdrawn person consumed by tics and compulsive behaviors. Very strange, very scary, but I am praying for her – and for your daughter!

    For these sweet girls and for us, their mothers, Lord, I cry out with the words of the Psalmist: “As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!”
    (Psalms 40:17)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Heather.
      My hear aches to hear about your youngest child! Joy in the Lord can be tough to find when you look at your child, not just struggling like all kids do, but really being in pain and even despair.
      Thank you for your prayers – let’s pray together for each other.
      Love,
      Lene

      Liked by 1 person

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