Yesterday I left home. Put on my shoes and jacket and walked out on my daughter and husband. I left because I couldn’t deal with things anymore. I gave up.
I walked to the river and sat down and cried my tears. Never have I felt so alone with my thoughts and feelings as I did there. I was so angry. At myself the most I think. Because I clearly can’t handle life. While sitting there I couldn’t help thinking how much better my family would be without me in their lives to mess it all up.
As a Christian I’m supposed to always have hope and “leap for joy in the hardest of circumstances”. How many times have I told fellow believers that circumstances change, to trust the Lord and have faith. And there I was falling like a deck of cards.
We all know life may be difficult but I didn’t imagine it could be so unfair and painful. I never thought I could end up feeling so lonely, meaningless and empty. But even Elijah gave up and asked the Lord to take his life…
I finally realized that my constant struggle with anxiety was turning into depression. For the first time in my life I feel reluctant about seeking help. It feels like failure. My struggles are many but surely no worse than what others must go through. I know Christians can get depression too… I don’t know why I would think I would be kept clear of it. But I have always heard that Christians shouldn’t fear anything or feel guilty or worthless. After all, God is with us…
But to live by faith means to keep Jesus in the center all the time. When living by sight the evil one will use all circumstances to punch and force me to give up God.
I will never give up God. My faith. My Lord! Never.
But I might have to seek help so that my anxiety will not give way to depression for good.
But the evil one will never get me to give up God!