Leaving home

Yesterday I left home. Put on my shoes and jacket and walked out on my daughter and husband. I left because I couldn’t deal with things anymore. I gave up. 

I walked to the river and sat down and cried my tears. Never have I felt so alone with my thoughts and feelings as I did there. I was so angry. At myself the most I think. Because I clearly can’t handle life. While sitting there I couldn’t help thinking how much better my family would be without me in their lives to mess it all up. 

As a Christian I’m supposed to always have hope and “leap for joy in the hardest of circumstances”. How many times have I told fellow believers that circumstances change, to trust the Lord and have faith. And there I was falling like a deck of cards. 

We all know life may be difficult but I didn’t imagine it could be so unfair and painful. I never thought I could end up feeling so lonely, meaningless and empty. But even Elijah gave up and asked the Lord to take his life…

I finally realized that my constant struggle with anxiety was turning into depression. For the first time in my life I feel reluctant about seeking help. It feels like failure. My struggles are many but surely no worse than what others must go through. I know Christians can get depression too… I don’t know why I would think I would be kept clear of it. But I have always heard that Christians shouldn’t fear anything or feel guilty or worthless. After all, God is with us…  

But to live by faith means to keep Jesus in the center all the time. When living by sight the evil one will use all circumstances to punch and force me to give up God. 

I will never give up God. My faith. My Lord! Never. 

But I might have to seek help so that my anxiety will not give way to depression for good. 

But the evil one will never get me to give up God! 

  

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7 thoughts on “Leaving home

  1. You are doing the right thing by getting your feelings written down on paper (or computer) so that you really can take a look at them. You have been through a summer of stress and turmoil and now that it is over all of the feelings are beginning to hit you and you may well be going into a depression. It is important that you get help from a professional who can help you sort this all out. We as humans are told in the bible to depend on God and that is very true, but the Bible gives thousands of examples of depending on people also. Sometimes as we trust in God, God sends us people to help us and counsel us. There are few :”lone rangers” in the Bible but lots of examples of people depending on each other.. Read Philippians. Paul appreciates the support of his fellow brothers and sisters who aid him and love him as he is in prison. Perhaps writing a personal and confidential journal that no one sees but you would be of help. To keep your anxiety from becoming depression you must let those feelings out and cope with them. That sometimes can be painful, but it is necessary in order to heal. My heart goes out to you and I know how strong you have been through this year and I trust God will get you through this. You are never alone. God is there with you to comfort you and strengthen you and give you insight. I as a friend you’ve never seen am also with you in “spirit” cheering you on. You can do it! Pastor Jim

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    1. Thanks Jim. I truly appreciate your words of comfort and they speak peace into my heart. I am feeling much better already and do have peace in my heart again. I believe I ht rock bottom that day, but the Lord pulled me out of the ditch once again and placed me on His rock again. From here, I can see His love again and also see all reason to seek help. If I begin to have those feelings again, I will react quick by seeking counsel. Thank you for always being with me in Spirit. You warm my heart my dear brother in faith.

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      1. I am so glad I could help. πŸ™‚ It pains me to see so many believer’s walking around defeated. It all comes down to our identity in the Father, thinking like heaven, and seeing ourselves as He sees us. Easier said than done, I know. Chin up! You are loved! ❀

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  2. Marie Okamoto

    Dear Lene, the circumstances you’ve shared here are enough to cause depression. The culture we live in can make seeking help feel like the last option, but please do so if you feel you need it. There is no shame in it, only strength. (((Hugs!!!))) You can do this! God will give you strength if you only ask. I will continue to pray for you. May you be blessed!

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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    1. Marie, my dear friend – thank you for all your prayers. I love you dearly and truly ❀
      I think that the reason why I felt insecure about seeking help was just another one of satan's fiery spears. I'm out of the pit now and can see things more clearly again and believe me, I will not hesitate to seek counsel if I begin to have such feelings once more. Thank you! ❀

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