Grief is such a curious thing

Things are changing now. I’m not even sure if it’s for the better or not.

It’s now 2 months ago my dad passed away and we returned to Japan. At that time everything was of course tough and with a to-do list longer than any child’s Christmas wishing list, I rested, cried and talked to friends about the whole huge ordeal with my dad – his way to death as well as his death itself. At that time I was okay talking about it.

But now, not so much.

I just think of my dad and I start to tear up. I can’t talk about his death at all without crying and for some reason it feels even harder now, than it did a month ago.

But it’s not because I now have more time to grief. My to-do list is still long and includes much the same things as before as well as new added things.

I shudder and fear and fall apart if the wind doesn’t blow the right way. Like, we received an invitation from school to discuss my girls current learning. My husband wasn’t supposed to return home that day, but I took a dive and began shaking… And asked him to join the meeting. I’m terrified to take a meeting with the school on my own (after last incident), even when it’s not the same person I will have the meeting with.

As I read my bible I find myself drawn in completely and yet this past week, I read 2, 5 or 15 lines and then I fall to pieces in tears. I have no explanation to this…
My feelings are sadness, insecurity, fear, defeat, inferiority and not being good enough to handle anything on my own.
It’s not a one day thing. It seems to be a daily thing.

I really need a “but God…” moment that will last.
In my weakness He is strong. I just can’t see it. Yet.

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One thought on “Grief is such a curious thing

  1. May it encourage you to remember that ‘faith’ is not what we believe – it is what we DO with what we believe. As you walk in obedience and keep reminding yourself that YHVH is unchangingly faithful and sufficient (Malachi 3:6, 2Co 12:9, etc.), and as you declare your willingness to trust Him to complete your faith (Heb 12:2, Psa 56:11 and MANY more), He will honor your determination and will give you what you need to deal with your issues.

    Claim His promise: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28)

    It is, in reality, our CHOICE to DO ‘faithfulness’, and as we follow through on that choice, He acknowledges it with blessings.

    Dear Lene, my heart weeps with yours – I had the same response when my mother died, and it really surprised me, too. In my case, I finally realized that I was angry at my mom for dying right when I’d had my first child, because I had been dreaming for years of sharing that experience with her. That’s a pretty silly and self-centered reason, but there it is. I had to repent of that and ‘let her go.’ Obviously you are dealing with a different issue. 🙂 Praying with you that Y’shua will reveal to you anything that you can ‘lay aside’ as part of your own healing. For me, it was a huge blessing to realize my selfishness and begin working harder on setting the flesh aside. Beauty from ashes, you know.

    “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of YHVH, that he might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3

    Liked by 1 person

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