Things are changing now. I’m not even sure if it’s for the better or not.
It’s now 2 months ago my dad passed away and we returned to Japan. At that time everything was of course tough and with a to-do list longer than any child’s Christmas wishing list, I rested, cried and talked to friends about the whole huge ordeal with my dad – his way to death as well as his death itself. At that time I was okay talking about it.
But now, not so much.
I just think of my dad and I start to tear up. I can’t talk about his death at all without crying and for some reason it feels even harder now, than it did a month ago.
But it’s not because I now have more time to grief. My to-do list is still long and includes much the same things as before as well as new added things.
I shudder and fear and fall apart if the wind doesn’t blow the right way. Like, we received an invitation from school to discuss my girls current learning. My husband wasn’t supposed to return home that day, but I took a dive and began shaking… And asked him to join the meeting. I’m terrified to take a meeting with the school on my own (after last incident), even when it’s not the same person I will have the meeting with.
As I read my bible I find myself drawn in completely and yet this past week, I read 2, 5 or 15 lines and then I fall to pieces in tears. I have no explanation to this…
My feelings are sadness, insecurity, fear, defeat, inferiority and not being good enough to handle anything on my own.
It’s not a one day thing. It seems to be a daily thing.
I really need a “but God…” moment that will last.
In my weakness He is strong. I just can’t see it. Yet.