Today it’s 3 weeks ago we returned to Japan from Denmark.
We arrived on a rainy day and the humidity in Japan this time of year can feel almost asphyxiating or nauseating. We arrived back to a home still marked by the recent move: Many things are still in boxes and doesn’t have a proper place yet and even more things has to be disposed of… After more than 10 years of marriage I fully know that my husband hadn’t done anything about the disposal during the 2 1/2 months we were gone. But I suppose I wasn’t quite prepared for the look of things as we got back with 3 full suitcases to unpack: Chaos.
What I did manage to get done was to get things out of the suitcases and put them away or in some available corner. They are still parked there…
After a weekend of jet lag my daughter went back to school – half day as we overslept, as often done when you fly east. My girl was welcomed back by classmates and greeted by new 3rd grade teacher and she realized that she had been missed. A nice feeling indeed. I went back home and for the first time in months, literally, I was completely alone. And I felt so completely lost. I barely had a prayer in me. Exhausted to the point of myself starring into the air without a thought and going mad about the condition of the home. Nothing had been cleaned in a few months either.
The first week back I managed to clean the home. Not exactly tidying up but at least the floor got clean and the laundry done. But my body was dragging and my mind was in utter turmoil. I did my best to focus on the unseen trying to reconnect to my Savior, but I had so much on my heart that my mind had to process and I just simply couldn’t move. I felt physically exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually empty. I went to church that week in the hope that I would feel energized and as if I had “come home”, but it sure was a trying few hours though it was fantastic to meet friends again. I’m very emotional and easily gets my buttons pushed and with the new pastor of the church being a more conservative person than myself… there sure are many buttons in me!
Then I heard the “hurricane” song (see previous post) and it felt like a kick-starter and the next morning I had my prayer journal out and God whispered:
“Take time to rest. You are fragile my child. I will tell you when it’s time to move on. Rest. You need rest. Speak to me about your dad. I understand.”
So the following 2 weeks I took the Lords advice and rested. I began to wake up on normal time for coffee mornings with Jesus and those are ever so precious.
In the beginning I couldn’t even name my dad before the tears rolled, but as it got easier I was able to share and ask and feel and cry. I even had catnaps during the afternoon. Every time I forced myself to reply to emails, text someone or meet someone I felt pushed back and drained once more.
This past week I slowly began to feel an urge to do something, but nothing too draining so I went to the local pool and had half hour of swimming. It felt so refreshing.
It may be just a part of who I am, but I am in no way positively energized around people. Especially many people and in groups. It drains me completely. So I dodged my small group (the first week and though I didn’t intend to, my daughter got sick the 2nd week) and postponed other meet ups etc. I know that talking to a friend is good therapy, but for me it takes a while before I’m able to actually do that. The best friends I have are those who simply stay in touch. Not pushing for me to talk about it, but just waiting in the wing as I walk through this time of grief.
Status right now is that this week I had my small group meeting and enjoyed it, though it felt difficult to start up again. I got my swim in the pool one day and I got a good long walk the next day. I went to a coffee shop and began reading a book I feel called to; Max Lucado’s “Facing your giants” and it really resonates with me right now.
Another book I feel compelled to read over and over are Colossians. God is drawing me towards it all the time and I so enjoy reading it. But I’m not sure why (apart from it being God’s word, there must be a reason why God pulls me towards that particular book).
I think I’m finally beginning to perk up but despite my booming mailbox, I have all intentions of continuing to rest until the Lord tells me to move on.
Just as He said.