I’m having a hard time trying to catch up on emails, texts and phone calls. But I really want to keep this blog up to date and I’m behind “schedule” on this… My dad has been in the hospice now for about 3 weeks. His condition is naturally getting worse, but the hospice is great at handling his pain. The cancer is spreading and is now in his ribs as well as spine and leg bones.
He made it home last week. Monday and Tuesday was excruciating for him and the doctor and nurses recommended against a visit home because of the pain. But just as my dad has lived his life, he took on the responsibility on himself and ordered them to send him home. And Wednesday the nurses sent him off very nervous, but he had a goal: home! Everything went very well. He was tired, but the pain medication worked and he saw his home and garden. He didn’t say anything about returning home once again. All he said was that he was surprised his home was not more razed by the long gone girlfriend. They drove him back and he slept for nearly a day.
He have had visitors we never expected. His younger brother has been there a few times, after not meeting for several years and only at party events. I was told he got a shock when he learned his older brother is in hospice. A cousin drove all the way from northern part of Jutland, one he hasn’t seen since his youth. He have had many “closures” in a sense… and yet – my dad hangs on to life! Despite knowing his condition, knowing he will never walk, hunt, ride a bike, drive, cook, hike, fish, do his garden etc. Despite all this, he still hangs on to life. I wonder if there are other things he needs closure with, but his speech and thoughts are no longer comprehensible. Most of the time he is very unclear. He sleeps more than he is awake and yet still eats pretty well. His morphine dosage was just raised last week and is given through a 24 hour pump, and then he gets a good dose before they wash and clean him.
I pray daily for the Lord to end my dad’s suffering. I know that when the day comes, I will fall to pieces. My heart and my mind are torn.
Not looking at my dad… I’m in a world of non-believers. And in case you wonder how that feels, I can tell you that my opinions and perspective is different and often opposite of what I meet in my daily socializing. Considering I’m not really all that much of a social person… (no, really – I’m not), I have to polish my own glory in a sense and say that I think I’m doing pretty okay. But in the darkness of the night, the few hours it lasts here in the northern hemisphere, the Lord shows me how many ways I have failed Him the day before… It’s just really painful and tough in every way. But I try. I try.
As far as my brother is concerned then he and his family has been very open minded and outgoing, not counting the faith part. He is very fair and keeps his word. For once in our lives we have actually been getting along. Partly due to the circumstances, but he even suggested that they might want to visit Japan one day…. my jar dropped when he said that, but it’s nice to sense an interest in the life of my family and me from their side! Very unusual feeling to put it mildly. There is one thing though that really has been puzzling my mind and that’s my brothers openly resentment towards our mom. Considering she’s been dead for more than 12 years I find it puzzling. He even compared her resemblance with my dad’s long gone girlfriend… which was something that just twisted my insides and curled my toes in surprise. I do hope it’s just a reaction to the circumstances, because if anyone hates dad’s long gone girlfriend, it’s my brother!
The last thing I want to jot down before I close this post, is about my dad’s car. It’s a constant reminder of him. Painful and yet a symbol of his life; The design, the power, the 6 gears and clutch… I’m driving his car at least 1 1/2 hour pr. day and every time I look out the window I can see it. It’s just “My dad!”. It fits him in every way.