Can you spell “excruciating heartache”?

Not out loud, but I’m happy my computer has automatic spelling correction!
Last night I had a talk with my husband about faith, religion and having faith. I didn’t push for that conversation at all, it just sort of happened. And I’m sad and happy it did.
What He said was that He believed in God. Huah… wait a moment – hang on… you believe in Jesus? I asked with eyes tearing up. But – what he told me next, in a shortened version, made my heart crumble:
“I believe in God and I believe Jesus lived. But I can’t believe in a virgin birth or the resurrection. It can’t happen. 
It’s just a story. I like Christianity because it’s the only religion where thankfulness for everything is mentioned.” 
When I touched the subject of eternity, he rejected it completely with a “I do not care. I don’t think anything happens 
when we die. You and our daughter are my heaven”. 
As I’m sure you can imagine… this is not easy for me to deal with, I can only pray and leave it in the Lord’s hands.
Could it possibly be that my hubby’s name should not be among those in the book of the living..?
Can you spell excruciating heartache?
What happens next? I will keep on praying for him. I will never give up on that, but my heart is screaming to know what happens next… is this it? Has he really fully rejected the Lord? What will it take for my husband to surrender to Jesus?
This morning around 4 am I woke up and lit candles, took my Bible and my devotional book and sat down to seek Jesus in the darkness. From the outpouring of God’s heart, He is not willing that anyone should perish and He will not give up. I myself rejected Him several times before coming to Him in all humbleness. We had a teary coffee morning, Jesus and I. But as the light began to shine as the sun began to rise, so was my heart put back together. For my husband is sanctified through my faith and I can’t say if he will or will not find faith.
Praise and Glory to the Lord of my heart.
Oh Lord… to you be the Glory!

7 thoughts on “Can you spell “excruciating heartache”?

  1. It seems to me to be cause for thanksgiving that your husband believes in God. That opens him to God’s forgiveness and love and grace. We aren’t saved in this life or the next by whether we believe all the stories about Jesus in the Bible—-we are only saved by the love and Grace of a forgiving God that Jesus revealed to the worlld. Grace is unearned and unmerited. It is freely given by God to his creation. We may or may not be aware of it, but it has already happened. There is nothing you or I can do to save ourselves—that’s why we call it God’s grace—and there’s nothing you can do to save your husband. Only God can do that. So trust in God’s love for you and your husband. You’ve already shown your husband what a Christian life is like. He likes that way of life. Jesus told his disciples, “what is imposssible with people is possible with God. Trust in those words and in God’s love and forgiveness . that is all any of us can do.


  2. Thank you so much for praying with me, reading, liking and commenting on my posts!
    I’m not sure it’s grief as much as impatience and frustration and the longing for a Christ-centered marriage. I feel so limited in how I can serve God in and outside the church. But God can do immense things and the seed of faith has been sown in my husband now, but he is unwilling to submit and surrender. But like the seed of faith is a gift from God, so is the ability to surrender a gift. So I take comfort knowing God is for me and He will work all things for good.


  3. Sue in NC

    My heart aches with yours, Lenei. But take comfort. The Father’s ways truly are beyond our comprehension, and my husband and I have learned over the years that He is far bigger than the boxes we try to put Him in. He judges by the heart and by the deed (if you need the scripture quotes, I will get them for you) – and it sounds like your husband is a kind and loving man. We can trust YHVH to faithfully and justly work in your husband’s life, and since your husband is married to YOU, he already has a lot going for him. “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.” (1 Cor 7:14) To be sanctified means to be “set apart” – in other words, your husband and daughter have a special place in God’s heart because of YOUR love for Him. Just keep loving and praying – and trusting the incredible Savior Who has given ALL for us. Don’t grieve until there is reason to grieve! 🙂

    By the way, today was the day of Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement (for those who follow the biblical calendar rather than the rabbinic calendar). This is the day that we cry out to the Father, seeking forgiveness, seeking His face and seeking His guidance. Sounds like you participated in the day in its full spirit – no wonder He met with you! Thank you so much for giving us the privilege of praying with you.


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