allows him to prove your faith!
The past two weeks I have been walking around in a bit of a haze like condition. One step at a time, doing one thing at a time, crying on/off all the time and feeling blinded and sad and depressed. It was a different kind of sadness than the one I had previously when the circumstances was pressing in on me and my relationship with the Lord was taking on a new shape. This was leaning towards depressed and it was really difficult to answer when people asked “how are you?” I was fine… sort of… well, I’m okay… kind of not, but I manage. Bla bla bla…
Once in my young life I came very close to suicide. Thankfully I did not follow through with it. Somehow I didn’t imagine that someone with Jesus in her life would head that way… But now I understand what can make even a Christian Jesus girl want to break the commandment of not to kill. It was a dark place to be and despite fully knowing that it was satan’s work, it was too overwhelming.
Yesterday morning I managed to have coffee morning with my beloved Jesus. I love our coffee time. I’m not sure what I said nor how I said it, if indeed I said anything at all. I just remember His words whispered to my heart: Trust me. I never change. The same morning later in the day I open my mailbox to find a beloved friend and brother in Christ writing me “Satan tries to prove you false, but God allows him to prove your faith”.
It was as if I woke up again and saw my way out of the haze that had me blinded. Trusting the Lord with all I love, especially the people I love is the only and best thing I can possibly do. God has a plan and I need to trust in it. I do not know the plan, but I know that God doesn’t change and He is infinitely Good. Infinitely. He loves me. He cries when I cry. He feels what I feel. He knows every emotion hidden in me. He never changes. Because He is infinitely good and never changes, I can surrender to Him and the plan He lays out for me and my loved ones. He is incapable of doing evil.
That day I grabbed a book and ran for the coffee shop. I need to know the Lord much better than I do now.