Shame is driven away by His Forgiveness
Loneliness is cast out by the presence of Jesus.
Anger is erased by His Peace.
Fear is defeated by Trust.
Just as I felt renewed, empowered and refreshed – more than ready to take up the challenge of being His witness and speak of His name, another blow hits my family and – yes, quite frankly I feel a little bit sorry for myself but even more for my husband. I do hope that my Lord is and will be Glorified in this, because I surely look like something the cat dragged in!!
This morning my husband told me that his company has decided to transfer him to Tatsuno. Near Himeiji which is about 2 hours from Kobe in Kansai area (west Japan) and some good 8 hours (at least) drive from home (Kanto, east Japan). Sigh. I cried… Lord, lord, lord, lord… My husband is very sad too. The move is from October 1st, which is the 2 weeks the company needs to give of notice.
My husband is level headed though and had already figured out that he would live in a company dormitory and take the night bus home Friday night (home saturday morning) and leave Sunday evening (back at work Monday morning) and my daughter and I should stay here. The simple truth of that decision is: There are 0 international schools in that area so his commute would be further than he has today (1 1/2 hour). The impact it may have on our girl mentally is too risky at this stage. We wouldn’t be able to pay the whole registration fee all over again so financially it would be devastating. I would have to homeschool her, which would have a huge tremendous effect on my GAD/stress levels.
My daughter and I are not likely to feel a big impact of this move, except that he will leave on Sunday afternoon/evenings instead of Monday morning at 5.30 am. As it is today, he generally is not able to come home on weekdays, unless he has business at head office in downtown Tokyo. The commute is long and so are the working hours and highway fees are expensive. He can come home but then we have gone to bed and he will leave before we wake up. So common sense dictates that it’s better he moves there on his own.
In a strange deep place inside my heart I know the peace that comes with knowing it’s the right thing to do. But my mind is fighting it, telling me that breaking families apart like this should be downright illegal… Many of my friends struggle in their marriages, fight, treat each other badly and can hardly make it work – and here we are with a good solid loving and caring marriage and we are not allowed to be together. The unfairness gets to me… And then there’s the fear. The simple knowledge I have that he will be far from us tears me apart… Knowing that he has to sacrifice so much for us – sleeping on a night bus twice pr. week, sharing toilet/bath with others (I know, it’s a luxurious problem but still), and working in an area where there are nothing else but rice paddies and a few houses. There are no rocks to climb, no park to practice his bouldering or skateboarding – yeah, you may laugh now, he is getting close to 50 years old and lately decided to take up skateboarding. That’s one more thing I love about him despite people calling it a midlife crisis. I don’t buy that – he is just that way and has always been. He’s such an amazing sacrificial Christ-like husband without, unfortunately, faith! How can I minister to him when he is not here? What is the Lord’s intention for this move?
Okay, I have stopped my pity-party and prayed to trust the Lord more. My loneliness will be replaced by the presence of Jesus. I’m still working and praying about my anger, but gradually I will feel His peace. And when I submit to His will, I will understand how unwilling my heart is and I will feel ashamed – but that shame will be driven away by His forgiveness.
But I will not stop praying that the Lord will bring my husband back home to live with us!