If you have ever felt deeply truly sad then you can probably relate.
I am not sure how to deal with this sadness though. It feels like it’s a part of my blood and running through my veins. I am not frustrated, angry, stressed, depressed, disappointed or anxious for that matter. I am just deeply sad. Way down deep in my heart.
Sad about my dad being this ill. Sad about the outlook on his illness. Sad about his tears. Sad about his unwillingness to accept even just God’s existence. Sad about his girlfriends behavior. Sad about my daughter having such strong mental challenges. Sad about the bleeding stomach she had and the possibility of it returning. Sad about my brothers ways. Sad about my husband working so hard and being stressed. Sad about my own struggles with anxiety. Sad about my best friend moving away. Sad… Just really sad.
Being sad is not a sin. Dwelling in it may lead to sin. I don’t want to dwell in it, but admittedly this sadness is so overwhelming that it’s getting really hard to put on a smile and face the world. But I do it. Because I know that no matter what happens in my life: God has it covered. Sounds really sugar coated right? Well, it is… truth is that though everything in me yearns to believe and trust that Jesus has all my troubles and worries covered, I find it really tough to trust Him. Trust Him to help me through this. I really shouldn’t have any distrust here as He surely has carried me through tough times in the past and by the way, The God who hung the stars shouldn’t really have to proof Himself to me. So why am I struggling with trusting Him.
According to Francis Chan and his book “crazy love”, I am a lukewarm Christian. Worrying about something is to not trust God and His ability to do whatever. I really don’t want to be a lukewarm Christian, but to some extend the guy is right. I am no longer on fire for Christ the way I used to be. Life – this worldly life – is beating me down. Why!?! Could it be God’s way to lead me further towards trusting Him? Nah… Even God can’t be that good, that forgiving, that wonderful… But the Bible tells me that He doesn’t give up on His own.
Perhaps my sadness really stems from no longer feeling like I am on FIRE for Christ. The way I used to be. The way I want to be. I long for His presence and to feel His peace again so much it makes me cry. Literally.
I’m feeling like a flower withering and no rain in sight. Holy Father – Please put color back in my heart.