I went from taking a serious dive into satan’s grip, falling gradually for about a year, only to find myself in a situation where I had little or no strength to cope at all. So I fell flat at my Saviors feet and felt His presence surround me. I gave up and I gave it all up – to Him. After that it was a slow but safe gradual recovery. I had to find out what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus and though I didn’t know it at the time, God was taking me by the hand and showing me His love by giving me what I needed. In small doses. I would focus all the energy I had in me on what I couldn’t see, and was in returned Blessed with the sensation of feeling His presence. I began to take baby steps climbing up from the pit of stress.
I have been asked “how do you focus on what you can’t see” and to tell you the truth, I’m not sure. I believe Jesus gives each person the experience He knows we need and can understand and relate to. For me that is the feeling of His presence. Not in a physical way, but sensing Him with my heart.
I don’t know why it did not take long for me to learn how to seek Him, but I’m guessing He taught me. However, learning to let go of the stress – or rather learning to identify and let go of my stressors – was an entirely different chapter.
I had no idea what was stressing me because everything was “just normal” but felt like a huge burden. The daily radiation news, keeping up on food issues, checking air radiation etc was a burden, but one which was needed at that time. But instead of sorting the news, I opted on reading all the news which was forcing me to sort the sensationalism from the truth. Gradually I began to understand that the time I spent on that took time away from other things – such as relaxing with my daughter! Being a mom is stressful at times, but for me it was all the time… guilt came with it and that – He revealed to me – was probably the biggest stressor of them all. The guilt I kept feeling for not spending enough time with my daughter, not talking with her enough and the guilt from not seeing the condition the led us to pull her out of her kindergarten sooner. Huge stressor. I also then realized that I had to forgive the kindergarten teacher. Though my heart had a lot of trouble dealing with my guilt, it also carried a heavy burden called unforgiveness. Forgiving a person who has hurt your child is likely the hardest thing a mom can ever do… Over time my stressors became obvious to me and because it wasn’t poured on me like a waterfall, I was able to deal with each one, one at a time. Praise the Lord that He knew just how little I could take at a time. But I still had to learn to let go… let go of my stressors and let God handle my life. I suppose once you have been all the way down and then turns to face the sun again, you learn the valuable lesson of letting go. Through the understanding that nothing belongs to me anyway, I also understood that letting go and giving everything up to Him, was the only way for me to let go of my stressors. When doing that, satan had to let his grip on me go too… I learned to rely on God alone. The Bible tells us that over and over again, but just what will it take to truly rely on Him alone. It took a stress disorder for me… and a lot of hurt and pain, tears and sleepless nights, a lot of prayers, doctors visits and a lot of time spent in His presence.
I had learned to seek Him and now I was learning to let go of it all, to truly and fully heal.