Slow motion baby steps

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After 3.11.2011 when it all began, I gradually and slowly became more and more worried and concerned about all the little details as well as the big issues of life. It happened at a speed so slow I never realized just how bad it had gotten. During this time I took care of my daughter’s physical needs but ever so often neglected her emotional needs. The last 6 months in her kindergarten things weren’t good, but it didn’t get really bad until we pulled her out of the kindergarten. After that things went down hill fast. Looking back, I feel guilty. My daughter had taken far too many emotional punches in her kindergarten, so many that she resisted and gave up learning the language. She needed me, but I didn’t realize it. Because – I was so stressed and worried about everything else. Somehow in my mind I thought that pulling her out of the kindergarten would magically bring her back to normal state of mind. I was wrong, but I didn’t realize this until I got the help I needed. Then I took some baby steps back to being a mom.

My first cry to the Lord was also the first step into a whole new spiritual world and way of life. My first morning coffee with Jesus was the first step into the spiritual realm. A world I had never been in before (see previous posts).

On the first many mornings of my coffee with Jesus, I emptied my heart in every sense of the word. I spoke anything that came to mind – in silence. Gave up everything that was left in me – in silence. I didn’t see that there was very little of my old self left in me. I was filled with fear, worry and concern. Those very things that had forced me down the spiral of evil. One of Satan’s favorite ways of getting us down is just that: Fear. A year had passed since 3.11. 2011 – and not until then did I get help. A whole year with gradual fears and worries getting worse daily and me not noticing at all. But now that I was standing up again, feeling more like a human as well as more like a mom again, I thought it was all done. But no… I was very wrong. My muscle relaxing medicine was working and gave a false sense of being “normal”. Still – I was able to be a mom again, though at times I withdrew to give myself time away from everything.

Despite knowing that something had to change, I had no clue what. Yes, my circumstances had to change, but what circumstances and to what? The road seemed blocked at that point. My daughter didn’t want to speak the japanese language, the aftershocks of the big earthquake was still happening, the food issues were never ending, the air radiation was a daily online check – and I had grown weary and tired. On top of everything else, my stress obviously was also affecting my marriage. Blessed me, my husband had been very kind and accepting during the past year. He was still accepting of me needing my “personal space” but  being aware of my stress disorder was likely a relief at this point for him.

During my morning coffee’s with Jesus, I gradually learned to give up control. Sounds easy… it’s not! My circumstances were out of my control, which left me feeling helpless and hopeless. When fear and worries presses down on you, helplessness is right down that same alley. I had no choice but to give up fighting and give up myself to His care. Still it took a long time for me to be able to give up my worries and just trust Him. The better part of a full year actually. I didn’t want to be afraid, but I couldn’t help it. It was like a bad habit. Now that I am on the other side of the stress disorder, suddenly things look more clear. Obviously, we are not in control of calamities and obviously, if you are a believer, control belongs to God, not us. Without knowing it, I was slowly letting go of fear and worries and was on my way to allow God to control my life. But Satan is vicious and he had every intention of not allowing me, to allow God. The closer I came to Jesus during my coffee morning, the more I was able to let go. You see, Satan is powerless if Jesus is around. And He was with me. I felt His presence so often during this time and I was filled up spiritually. I put on the armor of God through the power of Jesus, and when that happens, Satan hides. As soon as my daily routine began though, satan was right back on my shoulder poking me in every way he could. I was an easy target… and most days I gave in and fell over. Crying my heart out. Climbing back up from a pit of stress which satan has painted with glue is not something you can do on your own.

I slowly but safely began to take my first baby steps in slow motion.

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