And I was crawling. By the time I realized I needed help desperately, my body, soul, mind and spirit was about as low as it could get. My body was tense and aching. Massages had no impact on my muscles at all. My eye was twitching. My soul was wandering in a desert with no aim, my mind couldn’t stay focused on one thing and my spirit was just – down. Broken. All energy, and I do mean all the energy I could master, was directed at my daughter, trying desperately to get her back on track. Little did I realize at the time, that unless I got back on my feet, she wouldn’t either. But after my doctor’s visit I had an aim, I had a purpose and I had a tool. But perhaps most importantly; I chose my counselor. Instead of relying on human efforts and research and well documented science, I already had my counselor ready at hand; Jesus. He never sleeps, he is on call 24/7 and He always knows what is best.
After that first night of good sleep I had enough energy to decide on a plan that would structure my day. The plan had to fit into my life as it was at the time and the only time I had alone were the early mornings. The morning after, I woke up at 4 am (naturally as I couldn’t sleep anyway), got up and brewed myself a cup of coffee. The home was quiet and it was still dark outside. Such peace. I grabbed the “Jesus Calling” book and read the page for the day. That took me about 20 minutes to get through. I had trouble reading because everything in my body was tired and barely working. I laid the book down, fell over and had no words to speak a prayer. My mind had no clue what to say, so my heart whispered in silence “Jesus”. If you are a believer then you know that Jesus hears every word your heart whispers and He heard my cry… I have no idea what happened, honestly, but at that point the floodgates opened and I cried. That was about it. I didn’t say “heavenly Father”. I didn’t say “amen”. The coffee that morning got cold before I came back to my senses, but I had heard a silent reply to my call.
I repeated the early morning time with Jesus the following morning and after a 3rd day on sleeping pill, I no longer had trouble reading the devotional. I swear that book spoke the exact words I needed to hear on that particular day. Without realizing it, I chose to pray in silence. My heart was speaking to Jesus and He was right there listening. I sometimes could feel His presence surrounding me and I always felt peace during this time with my chosen counselor. My stress began to decrease, but my stressors were very much still around me. I had a long way to go and I was still just crawling. After 3 days on sleeping pills I stopped and the muscle relaxing medicine should begin to help me sleep. It took some time before they truly began to have an effect, but once they did, I got about 4 to 6 hours of sleep at night which was a huge improvement from before. Even though it was not optimal. I continued my prayer mornings and some mornings I just cried on the sofa. Some mornings I asked questions, got angry, letting it all out in a matter of speaking. Then there were other mornings, when I was sipping my coffee and watching the sun rise while talking to my best friend. Despite having been Christian for quite some time at this point, I don’t think I really understood the true meaning of “a relationship with Jesus” until then. Jesus did not lay words on my heart at this time. He was just there. Like the perfect friend who never runs out of energy.
I finally began to walk and I named my morning prayer time “coffee mornings with Jesus”. Quite a few friends has found it amusing that I call it that. But it is my private personal intimate time with my best friend and counselor. Time wise it fits us both and speaking with Jesus while watching His sun rise is about as wonderful and awe struck you can get.
I had a stress disorder and my coffee mornings with Jesus had only just begun. I had no idea just how much it would take to get me up and past the disorder. But the only way forward was changing the circumstances and my worries were still controlling me. But I could stand up. I could walk. I even had energy to play with my daughter again. I wasn’t just “there, napping on the sofa” anymore. I was around her and with her. At that point, my heart went from asking questions beginning with “why” – to having a true gratefulness in my heart for every little tiny blessing.
I had no idea where the road forward would lead me and my family, but I knew I wasn’t walking it alone.